Loving Cassie

She Won't Be Lonely Long

She Won't Be Lonely Long

Cassie

Baking was a stress reliever beyond anything I'd ever experienced. As a result of my visit with Carrie, I'd made nearly three dozen cookies, six pies, four loaves of banana bread and going on five trays of cinnamon rolls. While Donnie felt bad for me, he was loving the products of my agitation. He'd already sold off two dozen cinnamon rolls and he was having a hard time keeping people away from the cookies. I was grateful for his understanding that I needed some time to myself and that I didn't want to talk about what was going on. He just left me to work. I knew it wouldn't last forever. The bakery closed at eight and it was closing in on seven-thirty, which meant I needed to start cleaning up. I didn't mind cleaning either, it was mindless work.

Donnie finally came in while I was washing up the last of the pans, a satisfied grin on his face. His bright tattoos stood out against his dark t-shirt and jeans but I was getting used to it. 

"I don't know what you put in those cinnamon rolls, but you're gonna have to do it again. We don't have a single one left. I was going to get one, but two ladies from the Baptist Church started a bidding war over the last one." My eyes widened at this, but I didn't stop cleaning. I was warmed by the thought of people enjoying my baking, it had always been a big deal to me, for others to like my baked goods. Dalton hadn't let me bake much at the house, he hated the mess it made in the kitchen and wasn't one for sweets. It was safe to say that in the years we'd been married the only time I was allowed to bake was when I was at Daddy's or for the few special occasions that called for it. 

"My family loves the recipe. They're a Christmas morning requirement in the Malcolm household." I muttered, taking as second to pull a small stash of the rolls off of a corner shelf. As large as our family gatherings tended to be, it was necessary to hide them in case stragglers wanted any. 

"You're a goddess, Cass." Donnie said gleefully before biting into one. It was pretty quiet as I wiped down the counters and he ate, but I knew I owed him an explanation of what had happened between Carrie and me. Especially since it had taken place in his business. I didn't wait for him to speak first.

"Carrie is younger than me by nearly three years and I've taken care of her since I could remember. Mama was sick on and off after having Carrie and it wasn't too long before she passed on, a little less than two years. It was just Daddy and two little girls he had no idea how to raise on his own." I sighed and wrung out the rag before continuing. "Once I was old enough to realize Mama wasn't coming back, I spent a lot of my time trying to help Dad with Carrie, even if it meant not being a kid myself. I missed school functions and parties because I wanted to make sure she had what she needed to be popular. Daddy never made much but he tried. I spent most of my high school years balancing a tutoring job and a part-time position at the closest book store. Most of the money went into a fund for anything Carrie would need. Turns out, one job wasn't enough once she got into pageants and half of the time, I missed school in order to get the money she needed for competing." I paused again, but this time, I turned to face a somber Donnie. "I got into college by the grace of God, a teacher that pushed me to get a scholarship and my grades. It's where I met Dalton. It wasn't love at first sight by any means but it was nice, good and comfortable. He was handsome, popular, sweet and very patient, and he never seemed to get angry when we had to stop in the middle of a date and go get Carrie or when he had to pick her up while I was working. I eventually found out that he had a slight crush on her -- not that I could blame him. Carrie's always been a people magnet and if you'd have met her during her pageant years, you'd have been floored -- she was radiant. Anyway, he pushed aside the slight feelings and we got engaged, then married, and we did what any couple would; we tried for a baby." My eyes watered as I remember the multiple rounds of harsh words after the first year of not being pregnant. The two years following were the worst of our marriage and Dalton had truly shown me the man I'd married. "It turns out that I have some internal issues and pregnancy wasn't instantaneous. The fertility specialist suggested a strict diet and medication that constantly kept me sick. For the next two years, all we did was argue and make up on a cycle and he didn't want to come home unless we were going to try again. There was a two month period where we did nothing but fight. Finally, Dalton comes home drunk out of his mind insisting very loudly that we try one more time. So, we do and it's wonderful until the end when he calls Carrie's name instead of mine. But I let it go when I found out we'd conceived, I wanted us to finally be the family we'd always wanted and harboring a grudge would've impacted that. I probably should've seen that night for what it was though. Six months after I gave birth to Walker, Dalton comes home to tell me he's leaving me but I didn't even need to ask why or for who. It was always Carrie." 

"Shit, Cassidy. No wonder you looked like you were about to leap at her when I called you out there. If I had known, I wouldn't have let her stay." I can hear the apology in his tone and I shake my head. It isn't his problem to deal with and I'm beyond horrified that she would just show up and we'd rehash everything in the middle of my place of work. "Why was she crying at the end, I mean really crying. Not that bullshit sob thing she did in the beginning?" 

"Because I told her she was the one that would have to face her child one day." I felt low and dirty for having mentioned her baby, but it was the truth. Their actions had impacted more than just the three of us, now there were two innocent lives that would probably never understand the situation. Hell, I wasn't sure I even understood it. 

"Baby? Your worlds a little fucked right now, isn't it honey?" His tone is dry and there's a dark look swirling overtook his eyes. 

I make a humming noise. "Like a two dollar hooker on fifty cent day." He merely laughed before patting me on the shoulder and letting me know that he'd be around if I needed him. I knew he meant it and was warmed by the sincerity of his offer. I was lucky to have such a great boss and friend. 

* * * * * 

The house was silent as I held a sleeping Walker, and I was grateful he wasn't making much of a fuss anymore. I was tired from such a draining day. Between the drama at the bakery and Walker being extra irritable when I'd come home, it seemed like nothing was going as planned. And to think that I had woken up with a big smile on my face this morning. The content look on Walker's angelic face was enough to wave away my irritation as I placed him in his crib. He could be such a good baby. I was tempted to crawl into bed and try to catch up on sleep but it was too early for that. Instead I made my way to the back porch and sat in the rocking chair I'd placed there, happy that it was such a warm night. My mind wandered as the chair rocked and I found myself lost in memories that I'd much rather forget. 

Negative. Again. 

Tears filled my eyes as I looked at the oblong piece of plastic but I pushed them away quickly. I didn't want to cry over another negative pregnancy test. This makes number five. Instead, I wrapped it in a few pieces of toilet paper and tossed it in the garbage can before walking to the vanity to wash my hands and face. Dalton would be home any minute and I would have enough time to cry then. An uncomfortable feeling churned in my gut. I knew that he'd be devastated. 

It was only a few minutes later when the lock on the front door clicked and alerted to me that Dalton was home. I slowly made my way out of the bathroom and toward the kitchen, where I'd had dinner waiting on him for the last ten minutes. I waited to behind to hear his briefcase being placed on the counter before I entered the kitchen.

"Hey, baby." I mumble uncertainly as I step out into the immaculate kitchen. I'm caught off guard by the large bouquet of flowers and wide grin on his handsome face. My heart broke a little at the sight. He was so handsome in his grey suit, and the smile on his face seemed to light the entire room. 

"Hey, Cass. I have thought about this moment all day." 

"How was -" but he doesn't let me get the words out of my mouth before he's asking the question I'm dreading. 

"Was it positive?"  The bright look in his eyes, the hopeful tone, they destroy me. My lip begins to tremble and my eyes moisten, tears blurring his figure and the beautiful lilies he brought home. The sob I've been choking down bubbles out of my mouth. 

"I'm sorry." My voice is a whisper as I cry, and I repeat the word. There's a deep silence in the house, gaping between the two of us. I can feel his anger, hurt and disappointment and it's my fault. All he asked for is children and I can't seem to give them to him. I hear the sound of the flowers falling into the trash can, the thud of the vase falling into an empty container. 

"Are you certain it's negative, Cassidy?" His tone is cold and dry, sending shivers up my spine. I nod. "Fuck, Cassidy. You can't give me this one thing, can you?" His words are a slap in the face, but I don't say anything. He's right. Of course he's right. It's my fault. He's completely healthy, it's all on me. My fault.