Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 47

Emma

There have been very few times in my life that I can think of when I have been nothing but happy. Sure there were moments of joy amongst the long stretches of pain and fear that the majority of the time was consumed with but those emotions that consumed me, that took over my entire being was very rarely happy.

I was constantly taken by sadness, anger, dread, betrayal, and the one that spurned all the rest on, fear. I was constantly afraid. I was injured and broken for so long, I couldn't sleep through the night because of the nightmares that I refused and still refuse to tell anyone, apart from Lina, about, and I had asthma attacks spurred from panic attacks that it's a wonder I had enough breath to even even ride a horse right now.

When I was young I allowed everything fighting for dominance within me to keep me quiet and alone and as I grew up pushed me to find solace in sleeping with guys and even fighting people on occasion when I didn't have my way. All that changed when I went away for school and met Lina. I was getting better, not as alone or afraid but still not happy. That time at school was just not as destructive as before. I didn't move forward but I didn't move back.

But now that is all different.

That moment I turned around and saw those green eyes looking down at me our first day here, everything changed. And all the times of indisputable joy, not mixed with anything else have all been with Harry, and it's been amazing.

He is this bundle of joy and sincerity that I just love about him. Not to say that I'm in love with him, that's a dangerous game but these qualities make him perfect and I can't Imagine being wrapped up in anyone else's bed warm and comforted. He's home.

There was this time when we were kids when I remember feeling just like this. We decided to go on this adventure one summer afternoon and somehow we ended up by the lake. He and I were just laughing and fooling around, talking about what some kid had done in school to embarrass himself, when Harry, the little nutter he is, splashed me. Well I wasn't letting him get away with that so In pure Harry and Emma fashion it turned into this huge water fight, drenching us both. Minutes of this ensured when the two of us, being clutzes, fell and ended up completely submerged in the water.

When we both stood up in the waist deep water Harry just stared at me, his green eyes wide and in awe. I wasn't even sure he was breathing honestly. He wasn't even looking at my face at first before he quickly darted his eyes back up to mine barely blinking. He looked like a deer in the headlights, it was so cute.

I didn't get it until I looked down myself and realized that I was wearing a white shirt and the training bra my mum recently started making me wear. My face turned tomato red and I swiftly crossed my arms over my chest to cover myself. Before I could analyze the situation any further Harry was handing me his flannel shirt. It was soaking wet but I shrugged it on and we walked back to his house in utter silence.

He walked a few feet ahead of me the whole way there.

When we stepped through the door we were greeted by his mother and soon after a 30 minute conversation on how in the next few years we would be going through all sorts of bodily changes and how our friendship would inevitably change.

It was the most awkward half hour of my life but I wouldn't have changed a thing because it was with Harry.

Anyway I was happy in that more than awkward conversation and I'm happy now in bed next to him.

Actually, these last few years here at Oxford have been full with happiness. I have felt like I have been in the exact right place at the right time and it's been so calming and wonderful I didn't think this sense of serenity was possible for me. But right now, early this morning, still consumed with tiredness but wrapped up in his arms I am on a whole other level of belonging that I can hardly explain or comprehend it myself.