Chapter 19

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                The calm before the storm was Alice Blake crying silently to herself as she wrapped her mind around the horrible fact that Mark Watney was dead

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                The calm before the storm was Alice Blake crying silently to herself as she wrapped her mind around the horrible fact that Mark Watney was dead. There had only been radio silence since Lewis had commanded Martinez to launch, and some time had gone by since then. Alice only had a few more minutes left before they would be docking, and she had no idea how to handle this situation. She felt incompetent for the job, but how could she console everyone while she herself felt as though she'd been ripped apart. She couldn't address it one at a time, but presumed that almost everyone would want to board the Hermes and find themselves a space alone where they could grieve; but as always, there were things to do as well.

When the MAV docked with Hermes it was ordered chaos; everyone got on, ensured it was all safe and pressurized in the airlock, and then began to remove their suits in silence. Alice was floating down the hall, waiting for them; her eyes were red and her cheeks were evidently tear stained, but she knew that she was not the only one who was going to look like that. Lewis came in first, and it was clear that she had not been crying, but her face was contorted in way that suggested she was holding back. She placed a hand upon Alice's shoulder while gripping a bar on the side of the hall to remain still, and in a firm yet slightly shaking voice she told her, "We're really going to need you, and I'm so sorry for the pressure-"

"This is my job," Alice confirmed, inhaling sharply through her nose as she tried to remain as rock-steady as the commander. Both Martinez and Vogel floated by, their heads down and their eyes locked on the ground below them. Lewis released her grip on Alice's shoulder and floated down just behind Martinez and Vogel. Johanssen floated in and had her hand over her mouth, still crying even though she hardly had anything left. The first thing she did was hug Alice, sobbing into her shoulder. Alice wrapped one arm around her, using her other to keep them both in place. It was then that Beck came in, and while Alice expected him to have something to say, or need to talk to her, he floated right by and disappeared from sight almost immediately. In her line of work, she knew not to take offence to any kind of coping mechanism, and so she squeezed Johanssen a little tighter.

After some time, Alice had gotten Johanssen to her room, sitting with her until she told Alice that she was going to be okay. Alice knew that in time, everyone would have to recover from this, but in the time being it felt as though the worst had happened and that life couldn't get any worse. Things could have been worse, they all could have died, and the crew had ensured that did not happen because they were strong-willed, smart, and knew when to make the hard call. Alice went to each crew member, one by one to tell them the obvious. She found Lewis and Martinez in the hull of the ship, they had to get the Hermes out of orbit and back into the flight pattern.

"Dr. Blake," Lewis said as she noticed her there, "I'm glad you're here; I need you t-to do something."

Alice noted the crack in her words, and nodded. "Anything."

"We need you to contact NASA, and tell them what happened."

"Shouldn't-"

"You weren't there, you don't know all the details, but I can't ask anyone else..."

Alice understood; she hadn't seen what happened and didn't endure the full emotional blow of having to walk through a storm on Mars hoping to stumble upon Mark's probably-dead body. The thought made her feel nauseous, but she held her ground. Lewis still had pleading eyes upon Alice, and Alice dipped her head in a slight nod, though she didn't have the strength to lift it back up. "Yes Commander, I'll type it up and go over it with you before I send it."

"Thank you." She turned back to the console, and began giving Martinez orders.

Alice arrived at her station, and slipped on the headset so that she could listen to the transmission of the recent events that led to Mark's death over again. This was the worst part of her job; dealing with death in full detail. But it was what she had gone to school for, for over eight years, and it was what she had been trained for. Every crew member had been trained how to deal with a death, but training and real life are so different. It's impossible to compare the two. Alice cringed as she listened to the transmission in order to get accurate time-frames to write to NASA. They had such basic information, that Mark was dead and that the rest of the crew had gotten aboard the MAV and docked safely with the Hermes.

Alice knew that while she had to type up the events of Mark's death, she had to assess the crew as well. Typing it took her hours, and everyone else had gone to bed early; she was alone at her station, with only the glow of the computer in front of her. It ended up being so much longer than she anticipated, because at some point it stopped being entirely factual, and became more personal. She wrote about how the crew was dealing with it, though it was too early to truly assess how everyone would react in the long run. She had faith in the crew that they would pull themselves together and do what they had to do; but today was a time for grieving. Having to go over the events pained Alice, she felt her stomach twist and her heart slow as if it were turning to stone as she typed up the facts like it was an exam. But this was real life, Mark was actually dead, the Hermes was down a crew member.

She placed her elbows on the desk and rested her head in her hands. The assessment was about ready to send, but she wasn't ready. It was as if sending it made it reality, and she didn't want it to be true. It was only Sol 6, the crew was supposed to still be on Mars. Pulling soil samples, cracking jokes, struggling to get out of bed for the long tasks of the day, grumbling about how difficult it was to do things in an EVA suit. This wasn't supposed to happen, and Alice kept pleading that it was just a nightmare and she would wake up aboard the Hermes and the crew would still be upon Mars. But as the hours ticked by, Alice still at her station, she came to the sickening realization that this was all too real. So real that it felt surreal.

She hit send and stood up from her station after she closed it down. Walking down the hall, she stopped by the medical ward and popped in. No one was awake, or if they were, they were grieving in their rooms. She popped open the cabinet and studied what was in there; a lot of it was tempting, a Vicodin could do her some good, but she simply grabbed a low dose sleeping pill. Tomorrow was when things were going to have to go back to normal whether or not the crew was ready for it, and she was going to have to be expendable. Any time they needed her, she had to be there. If she was sleep deprived, because she knew she wouldn't get a wink of sleep, she would be no good to them. Taking two pills, she threw them back and walked to her room.

Everyone was still in the surreal calm before the storm, even though the storm was Mark dying; it had to get worse before it got better. Today was the day to grieve, tomorrow was the day to try and adapt to life without Mark and the knowledge that their friend was dead and never going to even decompose on Mars, he would never get a funeral, his family would never see him again. Alice writhed as she tried to sleep, jerking in her movements as no position was comfortable. She imagined what was running through Mark's head in that minute he was hit by the debris, the minute he had as the decompression killed him. All she could think of was how terrified he must have been; the sleeping pills did nothing.

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