Ambivalence [p.h.] - EDITING

chapter 3 || just think of all the nerve damage

I attributed my especially cranky demeanour to the existential crisis that prohibited me from getting a wink of sleep.  Depending on how the Choosing Ceremony would go that morning, I wasn't sure I would be getting much rest anytime soon.  As far as I knew, only the Erudite pursued higher education following the Choosing; everyone else followed through with the initiation tasks.  Thinking about the now impossibly difficult decision only resulted in muddled thoughts and an awful stress-induced headache.  That was the last thing I wanted.  I decided I would just trust my gut. 

"Chin up, Jaqueline."  My mother tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear.  "It's nothing to stress over.  I know you'll make the right decision."  I returned her reassuring smile with what probably turned out to be a grimace.  My faction flooded into the auditorium as the whispers of individual conversations amassed into a booming amalgamation of professional matters and gossip.  The sea of blue I called home settled on the leftmost side of the spacious room, leaving a space in between us and a cheerful burst of Amity colour that would later be filled with grey slacks and modesty.  Taking the stairs up five flights was certainly no walk in the park, especially on an unusually humid Chicago day.  Much of what the Abnegation did seemed pointless to me — I believed there was a difference between selflessness and rejecting all comfort and convenience.  At least the Choosers might be able to focus on their aching legs instead of their fate.

The sizzling of burning coals somehow caught my attention amid the commotion of its faction counterpart finding their seats.  The Dauntless bowl sat on a table at the front of the auditorium alongside those of the other four factions.  Abnegation had plain grey stones.  Amity had turned theirs into a flowerpot with a small flower bud peeking out of the soil it held.  Candor's was full of piercing glass shards and sat in the middle of the five.  All that was left was the Erudite bowl, containing water so clear it looked empty.  The bowls seemed insignificant at a glance.  I assumed it would feel that way until I had to slice my palm open in a cult-like fashion and let my blood ooze in whatever bowl it happened to find itself over.

I was in a trance as I bid my parents goodbye.  All I made out was a "we love you, and nothing will ever change that" from my father.  Walking to the front felt like walking a marathon.  I soon found myself lined up with the other initiates.  To either side of me stood the same jittery Candor girl and timid Abnegation boy I saw yesterday.  All the nervous chatter came to an abrupt halt.  All that could be heard was the clicking of Marcus Eaton's grey slacks as they climbed the daunting stage. 

"Welcome," he boomed. "Welcome to the Choosing Ceremony. Welcome to the day we honour the democratic philosophy of our ancestors, which tells us that every man has the right to choose his own way in the world.

"Our dependants are now sixteen. They stand on the precipice of adulthood, and it is now up to them to decide what kind of people they will be. Decades ago our ancestors realized that it is not political ideology, religious belief, race, or nationalism that is to blame for a warring world. Rather, they determined that it was the fault of human personality – of humankind's inclination toward evil, in whatever form that is. They divided into factions that sought to eradicate those qualities they believed responsible for the world's disarray.

"Those who blamed aggression formed Amity. Those who blamed ignorance became the Erudite. Those who blamed duplicity created Candor. Those who blamed selfishness made Abnegation. And those who blamed cowardice formed the Dauntless."

My leg jittered as much as the Candor girl's.

"Working together, these five factions have lived in peace for many years, each contributing to a different sector of society. Abnegation has fulfilled our need for selfless leaders in government; Candor has provided us with trustworthy and sound leaders in law; Erudite has supplied us with intelligent teachers and researchers; Amity has given us understanding counsellors and care-takers; and Dauntless provides us with protection from threats both within and without. But the reach of each faction is not limited to these areas. We give one another far more than can be adequately summarized. In our factions, we find meaning, we find purpose, we find life. Apart from them, we would not survive." The silence following Marcus' speech sunk into the heart of every person present.

"Therefore this day marks a happy occasion – the day on which we receive our new initiates, who will work with us toward a better society and a better world." I applauded him along with everyone else.  My head spun with indecisiveness.

Marcus read each name out in reverse alphabetical order.

"Jonathan Ziegler." An Erudite boy I was acquainted with proceeded to the stage.  Dragging the knife across his palm, he made thrusting his hand over the bowls look easy.  The Erudite water then was tarnished with a single, thick bead of crimson.

"Erudite," Marcus called, as expected. Everyone clapped as the list goes on.

"James Tucker." Two names before me, the Dauntless boy stumbled up and nearly chipped a tooth.  The acoustics of the auditorium made the snickers echo from every direction.  I couldn't help but feel a little sympathy when the blood rushed to his cheeks.  Seconds later, his blood drips over the glass.

"Candor."  The motto in my society was "faction before blood."  Maybe that was why the murmurs seemed to erupt from all directions.  I knew that, in Dauntless culture, a transfer out is a traitor.  When family would be permitted to visit during the initiation process, I doubt his would bother.  What if the same thing happens to me?

"Penelope Thatcher." By now, the Candor girl — Penelope — had shaken out all her nerves.  In seconds flat she followed James Tucker back to her family.

"Candor." Everyone applauded.

"Jaqueline Taylor." It was no use stalling.  I grew up around the people who designed these tests.  I knew the results were real and significant.  I knew that all of this happened so that we as a society would keep moving forward.  I knew that if my test results said Dauntless, that that was where I should go.

But my entire thought process, the logic, the careful, calculated moves, it was all Erudite.  Erudite, what I had grown to love.  Erudite, where it would be impossible for me to fail.

I had yet to make a decision by the time I reached the bowls.  Water, and burning coals.  Two opposites.  I took the knife Marcus passed me in a clammy hand.  I did not want to dawdle with my decision.  If I did, I would have been number one on the Erudite's hit list.  Indecisiveness was always how they weeded out the Divergent.  My skin seared as the knife tore it open.  Just think of all the nerve damage, it's — no! Focus, Jacqueline. Now or never.

I couldn't lie to myself.

I had to make sure that I wouldn't lie to myself.

I didn't want to leave what I had always known.  I didn't want to let go of my family, of my friends, of my home.  I thought of my parents.  I thought of how they would always spend their days in a lab while I busied myself in my pursuit of knowledge.  What was the one thing I learned from Erudite?  That test results are conclusive, and that I should listen to them.  I could feel my mother's caring eyes boring into my back and my father's hopeful gaze.

My blood dripped into a bowl.  I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.  All I could do was hope I made the right choice.

"Dauntless."