When We're Both Thirty

Stunted Conversations With Frank and Mikey, Starring Gerard Way: Part Two

"So someone remind me, why is it that you two hate each other so much? I'm assuming the fact that I am as fantastic as I am may have played a part in why Frank likes me better, but I don't see why you two have to hate each other so much. Like, seriously, you are both adults, well, I say that loosely as you both act like you're only six, but you're still old enough that hating each other over something that happened when you were children seems out of place."

"We just hate each other, okay?" Gerard says.

"Ah, thank you ever so much for enlightening me," Mikey says, making a face.

"You wouldn't understand," Frank says.

"No, of course not? Because I can't understand the tribulations between two small children stuck in adult bodies. Who am I to ever come to grips on how idiotic the both of you actually are?"

"He's just a jerk, okay?" Gerard says.

Frank raises an eyebrow, "Oh now, Gerard, you shouldn't talk in third person like that. It's very unsophisticated. I know you're a jerk, but you can just say it out loud."

"Bitch," Gerard murmurs.

"Frank's right bro, you really shouldn't be talking in third person like that. You're never going to get a job if you keep that up."

"I hate you both. Mikey you promised you'd pay for things?" Gerard says.

"Yeah," Mikey says, and before he can even ask what Gerard intends to get, he's calling a waiter over.

About a minute later Gerard has ordered one of each appetizer, six cokes, a bottle of wine, and a Dr. Pepper.

"You deserved that," Gerard says, grinning after he sends the waiter off.

"That was a mean thing to do."

"You ambushed me by making me come to a place with my least favorite person. You deserved that. You're just lucky I didn't order a more expensive bottle of wine."

"You're not even going to drink the fucking wine!" Mikey complains.

"More for you two," Gerard grins.

"I'm missing something," Frank says.

"Yeah," Gerard nods, "it's called a brain. That must be a bummer, not being able to think for yourself. But at least you identify with the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Except, sadly, you're not as good looking as him."

"Did you just call a man stuffed with hay attractive?"

"I just called him more attractive than Frank, but then again, that's like saying a turnip is more attractive than Frank. It's just inherently true."

"Oh please, Gerard," Mikey says, "you think Frank is attractive. He thinks you're attractive. I think chocolate cake is attractive."

"I think the word you're looking for is appealing," Frank says.

"Nope. Attractive. I find chocolate cake attractive. Every time I see chocolate cake I think unspeakable things."

"He's seen American Pie one too many times," Gerard says.

"Chocolate cake is sexy."

"How can you talk about cake like that when you're literally made out of pipe cleaners and googley eyes?" Frank asks.

"He eats like a pig. I don't know where it even goes. I think there's a vortex in his stomach or something," Gerard laughs.

Frank snorts, "Probably."

"I don't appreciate the way you're talking about me like I'm not even here."

"I didn't even realize you were here," Gerard says, "You probably fall into sofa cushions and stuff."