I'll Rise Up - Completed #Wattys2017

UNDERSTANDING?

Wednesday 3rd February 2016

I was standing outside next to our car seeing my reflection in the window. My hair was in shambles. I had dark circles under my eyes making them stand out more. I normally don't care about my appearance looks like but this was bad.

I turned to scan my house like an idiot. My flowers looked neglected with some losing shade of colour and limp and I felt so guilty, promising myself soon as I get back from my appointment I will water them.

I was just trying to come up with a plan about this whole situation but didn't know where to start. You can't just stand here all day; someone will eventually call the police because some crazy person is stood in front of a house.

I shut my eyes for a second and then go to knock on the door and wait, considering I left my keys in the door last night.

The door opened. Mum just stood there conflicted, her head slightly crocked with her blond curls wrapped in a rushed bun and her mouth trembled, ''Dawson?''

''Don't!'' I whisper passing without touching her, I walked into the living room passing Leo and quietly got changed.

Leo was lay down on his green play mat. I moved over to him and picked him up. I hid in his tiny shoulder. He felt heavier somehow, ''hey... I'm sorry,'' I muffled as he hummed wrapping his hands in my hair and pulled. I deserved that.

I knew mum is standing behind me so I turned around, she looked down, ''Dawn, you don't understand I...''

''No, I don't want your excuses mum!'' Understand that she gave her ex-husband our new address. ''I'm going to stay at Tyler for a couple of days. I really can't stand to look at you right now. How dare you..., how dare you bring that man here when you knew what he did. And with Leo, what the hell were you thinking?'' I shake my head, ''no don't... I don't want to know.''

Mum started to cry, tear falling from her hopeless eyes, ''But Dawson, please you're just misunderstanding... if you just let me explain,'' I shake my head again as she begged. ''No!'' I shut her down and walk past her weak form and wait outside with Leo by the car, keeping him close with me, not letting him go.

Once she came out the house we got in the car, I got in the back with Leo and fastened him in and gave him his dummy. Checking out the surroundings. ''Mum.'' I spoke quietly, she lifted her blue eyes up to the rear view mirror in hope. Gone were her tear. ''Yes Dawson?''

''If you bring him near Leo again, I swear to god I will take him away and you'll never see us again.'' I don't care about what she has to say anymore, or if I sound mad, nothing is more as important as this little boy; she's broken and betrayed all my trust. I look back down when I heard her sharp inhale of shock.

After a few minutes, she starts the car and drives in silence. Then I couldn't stop myself from remembering everything from last night. I came into the house to hear voices, mums and a man's talking about me. When he looked at me smiling with the same strong jaw, straight nose, but longer hair. He didn't have a beard anymore.

Dad's face looked the same and it took me back to the past and nightmare/memories I've been having. I'm surprised I didn't collapse but I had to get away from him, I saw nothing else.

Watching the sidewalks, trees, people and house all left in the dust behind us. Once we got to the counselling building, I gave Leo a kiss goodbye as he tried to reach for me and ignored mum, just telling her I'll get home on my own, I get out the car and went into the building.

I only just remembered the only reason mum wasn't at work is because it was the first half term at the primary school. Meaning I was off next Wednesday.

The usual man behind the desk saw me coming and frowns. ''What!'' I raise my voice at him, knowing if he was going to talk to me like a child again... I didn't finish the rest of my thought before he spoke, ''nothing, Lane's waiting for you in her room.'' He said concerned, his eyebrows pinched together.

I nod and whisper a sorry to him, and rushed away embarrassed. Lane's door's open today so she saw me and smiled gently, ''Come in Dawson.'' I came in but didn't smile back at her as I sat down, I didn't take a look around as I would. I was too worked up with my emotions all over the place.

Lane came around her desk, and moved to shut the door then came to sit next to me, her hair is down today, ''Dawson, your mum called me this morning, and I told her to send you in, so I decided to do something different today, if that's ok?'' She warmly asks.

I pull my bottom lip into my mouth as I nod confused. My brain mush.

She walks around her desk and opens a draw I couldn't see, taking something out without me seeing what it was, she comes back around the desk and sits next to me again.

''Here, this is for you,'' Lane revealed passing me the object. I hesitated before taking it from her. Why is she giving me this?

The jar is ice cold to touch, I had to hold it in both my hands. Yet, it was light weight, clear glass and I could see my fingertips through it. It's empty. I frown, lifting my eyes to stare back at Lane's. ''Do you want me to put cookies or money into it?'' I ask confused.

Her caramel eyes twinkled, moving her own gaze to the jar, I glanced back down too. ''No Dawson, it's for your memories.'' She replied quietly, her tone light.

I pull a face. ''What do you mean?''

''Well when you get home, if a memory or a thought pops into your head, you write it down and put it into the jar,'' she warmly states. I rest the jar on my knees, ''What's the point of this?''

"Only you know that, it's not my jar, it's yours.'' I shut my eyes, that's all I need... riddles.

After a while I asked, ''why did my mum call you?''

''Well, she told me about what went on yesterday and was very worried, and I think you did misunderstand, but let's not talk about that, you need to talk to your mum.''

''Why is everyone saying I misunderstood! Her, you, and Ella last night before she and Tyler went home,'' I moaned tightening my hands over the jar.

''That's not for me to tell you Dawson.'' She said gently, gazing at me apologetic.

I throw my hands up, standing, I give up, ''I'm sorry Lane but I can't do this.'' I turn around with the jar wrapped in my arms and begin to leave.

''Dawson?'' I stop, staring at the door. ''I can't make you stay but please keep an open mind when you do talk to your mum. She messed up in a bad way. I know that, and she knows that. Go talk to her when you're ready.''

And I walked out, shutting the door smoothly behind me.

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