Stained Glass Souls (Wattys 2014, Collector's Dream Award Winner)

Ariel: Lost Without You

(Ariel: unedited)

“Feel like swimming?”

It was frigid outside. The only warmth came from wan sunlight, dimmed by the movement of the wind across the clouds. Ariel stood at the edge of the pool, watching Katrina strip off her clothing. Taking off her shirt, revealing the bulge of her stomach, was unfathomable. She would never be thin enough to go swimming – to dive in, headfirst, and emerge with clothes stuck to her skin. To do so would reveal every flaw, every single thing that Ariel hated about herself.

“Kat, I hate swimming.” Lie. “Besides, it’s too cold!” Truth.

Katrina sighed. After the near-collision the previous day, she had been slightly more subdued. Almost thoughtful. She had stayed up late into the night talking to Ariel – things like I can’t decide and I’m not sure and is it worth it.

Life. Is it worth it? Ariel curled her toes around the edge of the pool, sandstone digging into her skin. The collision had been eye-opening, but today she felt funny, a spinning top pushed slightly off balance. She couldn’t get the taste of the ice cream out of her mouth, rich and sweet on her tongue. Fudge had settled in the back of her teeth, and she could almost feel her cheeks swelling as she licked it away. She was going to be fat. All because of ice cream, all because of a close call.

There was a loud, echoing splash as Katrina dove in. Her distorted figure drifted around underwater for a few moments, slicing through the water like a white knife, before she realized Ariel was still standing by the edge of the pool.

She seemed to be shining when she emerged, red hair swirling around her like seaweed. She looked, Ariel thought wistfully, like a mermaid.  

“Babe! Aren’t you coming in?”

“It’s too cold.” Ariel said.

Katrina swam forward, trying not to smile. “The water feels lovely.”

“Right. Zero degrees sounds lovely.” Warily, Ariel backed away from the edge.

“Why is this such a thing for you?” Frowning, Katrina pushed wet hair out of her eyes. Her scars, dark and thick, were clearly visible through the thin, soaking sleeves of her long sleeved shirt. “No offense, but you’re being ridiculous.”

With two simple sentences, her friend had summarized a long, painful list of why not. She hated the fact that someone else knew her so intimately – what she was thinking, why she would rather die than dip one foot into the pool.

“It isn’t ridiculous!” Ariel snapped. “God, Kat, it’s freezing out!”

Katrina swam forward slowly, shaking her head. She placed both hands palm-flat against the side of the pool and pulled herself up, giving a grunt of effort. Effortlessly, she twisted herself into a sitting position. “Babe.” She gave Ariel a weak, cautious smile. “Sit, please.”

“I’m not talking about it.” Ariel lowered herself to the ground and crossed her legs underneath her. It was even colder down there, just sitting, letting the breeze blow right through her.

Katrina faced her. “If you can’t even talk to me about it, who can you talk to?”

“There’s nothing to say.” Ariel said simply.

“Babe.” Katrina gave a broken laugh. She was always like this – brutally honest, ready for confrontation. As her closest friend, Ariel became the rule, rather than the exception. “I think we both know something isn’t right.”

Ariel wondered what she saw. Was she perceiving an image created of imagination, skin and bones, so desperate to find fault in another that she was merely flailing accusations? Or could she see the girl Ariel faced every morning in the mirror, the evil twin with a double chin and mile-wide thighs?