forty three

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My dear Jungkook,

I hope you're reading this after I'm gone. 

My dear and beautiful Jungkook,

you deserve not only all the love of this world, but the love of all the stars and moons and galaxies combined. You deserve the hope of the new dawn, the happiness of the flourishing sun. 

Ha, look at me, you've turned me into a damn poet. But that's okay. Because that's what love did to me, and I'm glad it was because of the love I felt for you.

My dear and beautiful and perfect Jungkook,

but I can't be the one to give you all the love and all the hope and all the happiness of this world. 

I can't be the one who you'll come home to after a long and tiring day and have a cup of caramel macchiato with. I can't be the one who'll kiss you to soothe away your pain and hug you to soothe away your fears because I wouldn't be able to remember them.

My dear and beautiful and perfect and colourful Jungkook, 

I can't do any of this because I'm dying, my mind is dying, my brain is dying. And I hope that by the time you're reading this, I would already be gone. 

So when I'm gone, I hope I've been buried under those cherry blossom trees so I can be reunited with your scent for eternity. Perhaps then blue and pink would be reunited despite being so far away on the spectrum, so far away from each other. 

You made me blue and this blue is happy because it was painted by you.

I'll always be here - when you look up during the day and during the night; I'll always be here because they're both still shades of blue. And each day, when the sun will rise and set, your pink will be amongst my blue. We'll always be together, Jungkook.

But my dear and beautiful and perfect Jungkook,

if you're reading this and I'm still in your life,

don't stop me.

Don't stop me and let me go. Don't say anything else and let me go. Please, don't be selfish and keep me here because I don't want to be kept anymore. 

I can't go on living like this. Entering each day, each week, each month and each damn year, getting closer to the day where I'll be just an empty shell who doesn't know the meaning of love, who doesn't the meaning of love that means all of you. 

This disease will turn me into a mess. The late stages will make my brain easy to persuade and you know what that means, don't you? If someone told me to go jump off a bridge, my dying mind would because it wouldn't know the difference between life and death - I would be so easy to persuade.

I know what your expression will be as you're reading this. You'll be crying and already telling yourself that you won't let this happen to me. You'll probably even rip this letter apart, but Kookie, this is who I am and what I need. 

It's not that I never wanted us to be together, it never was. I dreamt of days where you and me would sleep beside each other in our own home. I prayed for days where you and me would hold hands and make stupid jokes. I wished for days where you and me would say our vows and kiss each other's lips. I hoped for this love - but fate didn't.

My dear and beautiful Jungkook, 

if you love me, then let me go. 

My dear Jungkook,

You deserve someone who'll remember your smiles and your happiest moments; who'll remember you. 

My Jungkook,

I can't be the one who can give you all the love and hope and happiness of this world.

Jungkook,

so I'll hope you'll meet me one day in the next world, where we both can give each other all the love and hope and happiness. 

I don't love you enough to ask you to die for me.

Jungkook, I love you far more to ask of you; will you live for me?

I love you.

Yours for eternity,

Jimin. 

I turned the page,

wishing I'd never met you.

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