Fuck my life. What even was the point of anything anymore? Right, okay, sure that sounded dramatic but I didn't care.
How would you feel if you had spent most of your life hating yourself and everything else and then one day, someone came along and made you feel like life actually wasn't too bad only to fuck off again? And the worst part was: he wasn't gone. I saw him every fucking day and there was nothing I could do about it.
My mom wouldn't let me change schools. I'd asked her a few times. She just kept telling me to stop overreacting. She didn't know the whole story though.
If I was being honest, I didn't know the whole story either. Gerard still hadn't told me why he had ended things. He could tell me how he had never had feelings for me and how it had been a mistake all he liked. I knew it wasn't true. There had to be something else.
It took a lot of guts for me to actually go back to Drama the next Monday. No matter how much I didn't like it, I couldn't start to fail that class as well. My mom would definitely hate me then.
After seeing Gerard on Friday at lunch, the rest of my day had been pretty bad. I couldn't stop thinking about him and how everything had gone to shit. It really didn't help that I had no one else to talk to about this. I was completely alone.
I spent the weekend wallowing in my room again. I didn't even feel like playing my guitar.
So by the time Monday was here and I was walking to school, I wasn't exactly in the greatest of moods. The temptation to find him and unload all of the anger I was feeling was big but the thought completely left my mind when I saw him in the staff parking lot.
He was standing next to his old car and running his hand through his hair anxiously. His other hand was holding his phone to his ear and there was a cigarette dangling from his bottom lip. What had happened to smoking being a dirty habit?
I wasn't much of an eavesdropper but his voice made me stop behind one of the cars and watch him from through the windows.
"Yes, yes." He seemed to be saying, taking a drag from the cigarette, "I understand. You know I do. Please, stop calling me."
I frowned as I listened. Who could he be talking to? He sounded almost distressed and from the way he was puffing on that cigarette, I could tell he was stressed.
Was it his ex fiancé? It couldn't be, could it? She had never made him feel that uncomfortable.
"I have done what you have asked of me. You will never begin to apprehend how much that aggrieved me-" He stopped mid-sentence, the colour draining from his face. "I see..." His voice was even quieter. I only just about managed to hear him, "I apologise. Yes... Goodbye."
He slowly removed his phone from his ear and just stared down at it for a few moments before suddenly throwing it onto the floor with a crash.
I almost jumped and only just stopped myself from making a noise in surprise.
Gerard dropped the cigarette next to the broken phone and stomped it out before doing the same to the phone and heading into the school. Even after he had left, I stared after him. I had no idea what the fuck had just happened but I really wanted to know.
I then had to remind myself that no, I didn't care. I was done with that part of my life now. Gerard- Mr Way was none of my concern. It was time to live my own life without him.
That didn't stop me from thinking about it though on the way to form. Something was definitely up. That hadn't been a normal conversation.
By the time I was sitting down in Drama and I saw Gerard up close, thoughts about forgetting this were going out of the window. To put it lightly, he looked terrible. He had massive dark circles under his eyes like he hadn't slept for days and his hair was such a mess, it looked like he had just gotten out of bed. He also stunk of smoke and coffee and maybe a bit of alcohol? In the morning? I was already really worried.
It took me about twenty minutes to realise that he hadn't made his usual effort. There was no tie and no waistcoat. He was only wearing dress pants and a white shirt. His shirt was only half tucked in.
I didn't know what to do. It wasn't like I could straight out ask him about it. He had shut me out of his life. And I was fairly certain that there was no way back in.
That meant there was nothing I could do. All I could do was sit back and watch him slowly kill himself. If I even tried to ask him how he was I knew he would push me aside. I was finding it hard to believe that he still cared about me anymore.
With everything that was happening, it was seeming more and more likely that he had suddenly just realised what he had been doing and ended our relationship to restore some peace. Although, it seemed to be having the opposite effect on him from the look of his appearance. And I had thought this breakup had left me looking bad.
It wasn't just how he looked though. He was lacking in his usual enthusiasm and the lesson just appeared to be so much duller than usual. It actually dragged on. The atmosphere was completely different, for the worst.
I left the classroom when the bell rung thinking about the lack of smiles he had conveyed and how shaky he almost seemed to be. The thought of him maybe being on drugs passed through my mind but I dismissed it. To me, it had to be something else.
I obviously spent the rest of the day split between worrying about him and trying not to care. How was I supposed to get over him when he was all I could think about? That wasn't exactly healthy, Frank.
By the time it was finally home time, I made my way to the gate and thought about what I could use as a good distraction when something stopped me in my tracks. Gerard's brother was standing next to the gate with his arms crossed, watching me. Surely he wasn't waiting for me?
I cautiously continued towards him and just as I was about to pass him, he spoke, "I need to talk to you."
I stopped again and looked at him, confused.
"Yeah, you." He smirked slightly.
"What do you want with me?" I couldn't help but glance over to Gerard's beat up Vauxhall Cavalier.
Mikey's words caught my attention again, "It's about Gerard."
