delivered

1

dan's calloused fingers trace over the gold band on his ring finger, the vows he took with phil still replaying in his empty head, and he could see the three year old metal ring shimmer under the amber lighting of the room.

he pulled the white duvet up to his chest, turning his head slightly to look over at his husband, who was laying in the far corner of the bed, his naked back turned towards dan.

and even though dan wished phil would crawl back over to him and wrap his pale arms around dan's small frame and draw unknown patterns on his chest, the idea seemed too overrated now, too fake, and too pretentious.

he sighed, slipping further into the gradually growing warmth of their bed, shifting his body and trying to get as comfortable as he once was while sleeping in phil's arms.

things just weren't the same anymore.

and it's not like dan was complaining because things had been like that since the past year and a half, and honestly, he was getting used to all the little things that had switched over time.

he was getting used to sleep on the left side of the bed, and he was used to eat lunch alone in his suffocating work place.

he was used to fake smiles and lost conversations and discussions only about their finances or adrian, their thirteen year old son.

he was used to occasional, meaningless kisses that were devoid of passion or love, and he was used to having five minute showers alone, without any pair of arms wrapping around his torso or soft lips pressing against the back of his neck.

he was used to short arguments about nothing in particular and he was used to phil's constant ignorance.

and he still wasn't complaining. he just missed their relationship when they were younger, when they weren't tied in the bland bond of marriage or had a family to manage or a son to drive to football classes every weekend.

two years ago, dan wouldn't have thought that they would be having separate meals and half a minute phone calls. he didn't think that their working hours would be so impossibly different that when he came back home late at night, he would find phil asleep on the recliner in front of the television.

he didn't think that weekends will just be spent in half hearted kisses, or a small argument about who is doing the dishes or making the bed. two hours later, phil would stay on his laptop, drafting emails or carelessly scrolling through his work documents and dan would just sit around in his study, letting the ink of his fountain pen stain multiple pages.

maybe two years ago phil cared about him enough to listen to him rant about his day but now phil just presses a kiss to his forehead and says that he is sleepy.

phil no longer makes love to him frequently, and whenever they do it's just not the same.

it is distant and impersonal, like they are just having sex. there are no longer any marks on dan's body, no significance that phil has made love to him the next morning. phil doesn't pull him to his chest and phil doesn't clean him up with a wet rag. phil just places a meaningless kiss to dan's cheek and shifts to the other side of the bed again.

and the problem is that dan can't blame phil either.

according to phil, dan has just stopped trying in their relationship. not like he doesn't love phil or anything but he kind of fails to show it, and the fact bothers phil greatly.

he is still insecure, even after three years of marriage and he doesn't want to to be too clingy, doesn't want to suffocate dan.

he doesn't want to pull dan into his lap when he returns from work and says that he ate outside, dismissively thanking phil for making dinner.

he doesn't want to step into the shower after dan, when he says that he's late for work and only takes a big swig of his coffee before leaving, forgetting to kiss phil goodbye.

he doesn't want to take dan outside alone for a simple dinner and icecream or a movie because dan always says that he doesn't want adrian to feel ignored and it is just that.

their relationship revolves around household expenses and adrian.

and maybe they don't have three am conversations anymore, or pancakes for dinner, or think about getting a dog, or fight over who is doing the dishes.

or the making out against walls or buy concealers to hide marks from people at work, or have showers so long that they turn cold.

or unplanned outings or random walks in park, or insecure talks about the future or endless cuddling on the couch.

but maybe they need 2009 again.

just once more to know what they are missing.

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the writing will get better i'm just easing into the drama again pls forgive me