Never Had ~ A Louis Tomlinson Love Story

Chapter 35: Miserable At Best (Part 1)

"Emma, eat the damn muffin." Marlee said above me, holding out the pastry. After about a minute she lost patience and sat down in the cold chair next to me, taking a bite out of the food that was never meant for me anyway. "You really need to eat, you know. Vegetating here isn't helping anyone." her voice was muffled but I understood clearly. Did that mean she was right? No, of course not.

I was stuck in a fictional world. The same one I was in when I held the gun in my cold hands almost fifteen hours ago. Deciphering what was real and what was fantasy was a challenge, but now things are finally starting to clear up; not that it is any better. So I didn't shoot myself. That didn't mean I was done feeling dead. With my dad gone, everyone expected me to be happy. But in reality I was much worse.

Mum and Jay flew over just after they found out what had happened. They had arrived just about an hour ago, only four hours after the power had finally turned back on. Apparently some bloke decided to cover an entire building with lights, practically shutting down a quarter of New York City. The boys and Marlee had arrived here late last night as well, not long after the incident. Of course they were pretty much invisible to me at the time, but now I clearly remembered when they came into the picture.

Remembering. That was the worst out of all of this. Remembering exactly what had gone on in that hotel room. What my father did to me, mentally. And what he did to Louis, physically. It would never go away. Just as the old memories had for so long, these new ones will only continue to replay in my mind for as long as I am reminded of them. And that could be forever, given the circumstances. 

My mum was obviously taking the news quite hard, along with Jay, as I could see both of them across the room with tear stained cheeks. Funeral planning wouldn't be easy, but it was something we had to do for him. It was good that they were both here, anyways. Because if anyone needed them right now, it was me. The two most important and influential women in my life were there three hours ago when I broke down on the floor in tears, holding me close and telling me everything would be fine. I knew it never would be but having them there still gave me some hope. At least our families were still close together in such pain and sorrow. I just don't know what 'family' would be without the Tomlinsons around.

The boys had bad reactions too, but being men, they held it together. Niall's eyes were red and puffy when he walked in, as were Harry's. But the other two and Marlee showed no pain on their faces, making up for that by reaching over to me and sighing softly just to let me know that I wasn't the only one in pain. We were all hurting, but having each other slowed the pain.

It had been fifteen hours since I got here, yet it felt like minutes. Christmas was my last priority now; the decorated trees lining the hallways appearing to be signs of what could have been without disaster. Every single person in the city was at home enjoying their loved ones while the nine of us were here grieving. It wasn't fair, but nothing had been yet. It was just something that had to be dealt with, as horrible as it seems.

That's what everyone has told me. "We just have to move on." But, how can I? It's easier for everyone else. They didn't have the connection to the nightmare like I did. They weren't there. They would never know the feeling of being trapped in a room with my father, Louis, and a gun. They would never know the pain of when the shot was fired. Only I would know, and for that, I could never move on. I was stuck in this, as Marlee put it, vegetated state and there was only one escape I could think of. However, it could possibly match the pain I was in now.

"Emma, would you just talk. Move. Sing me a song. Twerk. Something?" Marlee yelled, almost making me smile. I scratched my head and looked at her apologetically. "Fine, I guess you'll just have to mime what you want me to get you from the cafe later because I will be going back." she finished off the muffin and threw it in the trash can next to her.