Dan Howell
"For yesterday? For everything, I am sorry for being a dick," My words are quick, leaving my mouth in incomprehensible sputters and I have no idea what I am saying and why I am saying it.
I just want Phil.
"Dan," he says nothing else, just stares at his feet, continuing to bite his lip, avoiding my gaze and I take a step forward, finally growing a pair and taking his hand in mine.
"I am really sorry Phil, I, have no idea okay? This is new to me, I-I don't know what I can offer you but I just, I can't explain it," I ramble and he looks up at me, blue eyes shining and glossy and fuck I could really stare at them all day.
"I don't know Dan, you," he struggles to find words and I turn the palm of his hand in mine, rubbing my thumb over the soft skin. "You hurt me a lot, and, and I am not up for your one night stands," he shakes his head, attempting to get away but I just grip his hand tighter, pulling him towards me.
"I am not asking you to be one of them, I just need to sort out my mind, and my, my feelings? For you. I don't know what I feel for you Phil but I can't stay away from you, and, and I am being honest I promise," I close my eyes, letting the explanation flow out of my mouth. I have never been this vocal about my feelings to anyone and this is a big deal to me. Phil Lester is simply messing with my brain and I am letting him.
"Dan you can't do this, n-not after yesterday, not after you constantly sleep with people, I-I don't know if I can cope up with that," Phil mumbled finally and his tone lets me know that he is done with me. That he really is not listening what I am saying or care that I let my guard down. All for him.
I just bite my lip harshly, letting go of his hand and stepping back, running my hand through my hair and closing my eyes trying to control my breathing.
Fuck.
I need to stay away from Phil Lester.
"Y-You still think I am lying don't you?" I laugh, and it's not out of humour and I watch as Phil looks at me with a guilty expression.
"Great, I am a fucking idiot for telling you all this, I just, fuck it," I am rambling again and I know it. There is this feeling in my chest, a very minor heart break maybe? What did I even think? Phil would give me time and let me sort out my feelings? That he could possibly feel something for me?
I am such a fucking idiot.
"Dan it's not like that–" he begins but I am already walking past him. What was the point in telling him all that? He will probably laugh at me now, with his stupid fucking PJ.
Fucking Phil.
"Dan please," I am surprised when he jogs up to me but I am too annoyed to listen to him. I know he will mutter some bullshit apology about how he didn't mean to hurt me, but I don't care. I am not even hurt, he is a stupid fucking hook up for fucks sake.
He means nothing.
And so when his hand reaches forward to grip my arm, I just brush it off and tell him just that.
"Fuck off Phil,"
--
coconut coconut sharks in the water
