Savior

The Boy and the Fight

I've never been a very superstitious person.

Paranoid, yes. I've always been very paranoid. But, I never let things like black cats or stepping on cracks on the sidewalk haunt me. Luck had nothing to do with the problems in my life, everything that happened to me had to do with the decisions I made.

I chose to ask Louis to adopt me, I chose to live with him, to love him. Every day I chose to stay with him and look what happened.

But, I also chose to move here. I chose to work at the café, to speak to Harry, to be with Harry. Every day I choose to heal and look what happened.

Luck was always irrelevant to me.

But, today, that outlook changed.

The coin that had been lodged into the golden toad's mouth since I received it had fallen out this morning.

It was the smallest clinking noise as I was making some tea before work and yet it grabbed my full attention. That small sound was practically deafening.

The beady eyes of the toad seemed to laugh at me as I just continued to stare at the fallen coin that many consider a horrible sign, not quite sure what to do. The golden coin falling from the Lucky Toads mouth is considered an omen for hard times ahead in many cultures. It is very unlucky.

I'm not quite sure if I'm a believer, but it certainly doesn't make me feel great.

In fact, it just brings out the paranoia in me more than ever.

This toad that Betsy gave me, so similar to the one I had in New York with Louis, finally drops the coin like a final nail in my coffin, essentially sealing my fate.

Isn't that ironic?

I'm not quite sure what you're supposed to do with the statue after it damns you, but, I choose to do what I have been aching to do to it since it came in that stupid velvet purple box.

I dump the thing in the trash.

I feel partially bad about it considering it was a very thoughtful gift from Betsy, but I just won't tell her I got rid of it. And if she asks I'll tell her someone broke in and stole it.

Not my iPod or t.v. or the wad of money stashed behind my toilet. Nope, none of that, just a fake golden toad.

I'm sure she'll believe me.

Despite the potential bad luck that toad just cursed me with, finally dumping it in the trashcan certainly did put a pep in my step.

The similarity to the one I had in New York, the one Louis gave me, was a constant reminder of the life I left behind.

And it honestly just gave me the creeps. I've been waiting for an excuse to toss it, and the coin falling was a perfect one.

With that, I leave for work -the toad in the bin, much lighter than before.

I've been trying, really trying to move on from all I left behind and I don't want any reminder of that life. Those dark times.

The night at the bar –forgetting my unborn child's birthday, getting wasted, fighting with Harry... it was so ugly. So not who I want to be. It was a side of me full of pent up aggression and bitterness and a side of me I never want to revisit.

That night was the wakeup call I needed.

I don't want to live in the shadows anymore, it's time I step out into the light.

That's been my resolve for a while now, but I was always too afraid to move forward, never fully willing to forget about Louis, about the abuse, about everything I had been through. I wanted to go back to the girl I used to be.