The Marauders: Year Four

Good or Evil

Good or Evil

Severus drew his palm over the small of Lily's back as they stood on the front steps of the castle... They'd stepped outside under the light of the stars. They'd been dancing and Lily's face was flush from the heat of the room and Severus had suggested some fresh air. She hugged her arms, staring up at the sky and Severus slipped the outer later of his robes off, putting it over her shoulders, and she pulled the hems close around her, turning to look at him with a smile. Their breath hung in crystalized form between them, little puffs of clouds in the cold December air. She leaned gently against a great statue of a flying boar that adorned the top of the very first step on the wide stone wall that wrapped 'round the curve of the staircase to the ground below. She ran her fingers across the stone, studying the grain of it. Severus stood just a foot away, watching her fingertips...

"Lily," he said, his voice low.

She looked at him, her green eyes bright and still sparkling from the magic of the Great Hall and the laughter she'd had dancing with him... A smile rested on her pretty pink lips, which glistened with the gloss she'd painted on them at the start of the evening. "Yeah, Sev?" she asked.

He reached out his hands for hers and held them, staring down at them. Her hands were small compared to his. He stared at how they rested in his palms and he carefully laced his fingers between hers, taking a deep breath. "You've known me for a very long time."

"About five years now," she said.

"Am I good?" he asked, his voice shook with the question.

"Good?" she looked at him, confused, "What do you mean?"

Severus flapped his arms nervously, carrying her hands with him as he did, making her arms flap, too. The air was so cold without his robe that she was wearing, and his lips were turning a bit blue from it... but he wanted to ask her what he had to say while they were here, outside of the school, away from distractions so that he could keep a part of his mind concentrated very carefully on keeping his mind closed to Voldemort, especially now during this conversation... It was of vital importance, he felt, that Voldemort never know that the conversation he was about to hold had ever taken place.

"I mean... am I a good person?"

Lily studied him a moment. His dark eyes stared up at her with an anxiousness about them that did not usually live there. He looked almost afraid. "Severus, is something the matter?" she asked, suddenly nervous.

He squeezed her hands and she could feel the shiver in his skin. "C'mon, let's go inside, you're freezing half to death out here and --"

"No. Wait, please." He held her fast where she was. "Lily, am I a good person or a bad person?"

"I think you try very hard, and I think sometimes you've made bad choices, but that overall you're a good person," Lily answered. "I think you have some bad friends, that maybe you get pressured into some questionable choices by them, but when you're alone, when you're just you and there's nobody you're trying to impress, I think you try to be a good person."

Severus stared into her eyes, "I want to be a good person for you."

Lily cast her eyes to one side, the stare he was giving her was too intense to hold.

"Do you ever feel like... like the world's pressing you into stuff you don't want to be a part of, and you can't get out of it because... because there's no way out without..." he shook his head.

Lily put a hand on his elbow. "Severus? What's happening? Who is forcing you into things?"

Severus struggled with words, "I'm not good enough for anyone, Lily, on either side, and I'm stuck in the middle and I feel like I'm being tug-of-wared between good and evil, between light and dark, like I'm being torn into two pieces..."