Our Winter | Original Novel

11 || What I Want to Protect

Lilliana

I sit down on the floor of my dorm, head in my hands and face tilted towards the ground. I had to do it. I had to. A broken heart is better than being dead, right? I really can't be too sure about that. I knew what it was like to feel so much defeat and rejection. How could I have done that to Patrick? I want to protect him. But that could very well get him killed.

It's snowing today. I love the snow. I don't know if it's due to the fact that I never really got to enjoy it, or I simply love the gentle white flakes. Maybe even both contribute to this love. But right now, I wasn't really feeling it. I wanted to just lay here forever, and lock myself away from the outside world. Maybe that way, I can stop putting people in danger.

Apparently, I can't do what I want. I can't ever do what I want! Because moments later, somebody knocks on the door. I stagger up to open it, and feel my eyes widen as I see Patrick. He had this straight, emotionless face on, and I feel my heart twinge with pain. "Go away," I whisper, voice hoarse from not wanting to talk for so long.

"Not until I get a nice explanation," Patrick replies flatly. He invites himself inside, standing at the front of my dorm room. I have no choice but to shut the door, stand there, and cross my arms. We both stare at each other for a moment, until Patrick looks at me expectantly. "Well?" he demands. "Explain. You're acting weird today."

I remain silent, staring right into his eyes. The lump in my throat kept getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. "What do you mean," I choke, barely even able to manage as few of words as I did. Patrick sighs, glancing away from me for a moment.

"When we were talking, and I asked if you hated me. You didn't answer." He blinks back a few tears welling up in his eyes. "What am I supposed to take from that? Do you hate me, or not?"

Suddenly, it's all too much. Tears spring up in my eyes as well, and they start to fall spontaneously. "O-of course I don't hate you!" I wail, unable to stop now that I've started. Now I've done it. I'm about to lose it, honestly. The only feeling worse than guilt, was this. Attatchment. "I just... I just don't want you to get hurt!"

Patrick pulls me into a tight hug, chin resting on my shoulder. He was so much taller than me. His heart was lean, and strong, and beating in his chest. How could I ever think that someday, this heart wouldn't be beating? It was beautiful that right here, right now, it was strong and it was alive. It was keeping him alive. I don't want it to stop. I don't want any of this to stop!

"Of course," he mumbles, each breath tickling my ear. "I should've known you didn't hate me. Lilliana, what has you so freaked out?"

"They're coming for you," I whimper. "They're coming for you, and I'm... I'm so scared, Patrick. I can't lose you!" I cry out loudly, starting to really get the water works going. "I don't want you to get hurt. I... I have to stay away from you!"

Patrick is silent for a moment. Then, he slowly shakes his head, pulling back to dry my eyes with his warm hand. "No. I'm not going to let you push me away on my account, Lilliana. In fact, I'm going to stay with you. And I don't care what happens to me. The blame is all mine if I get hurt."

"Promise?" I whispers, sniffing.
"I swear on my life."

***

"Patrick," I mutter, wondering what he was doing as he yanks me down the slippery roads. I was beggining to lose what little balance I was able to maintain as I was practically flying with Patrick's demon speed. "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere!" Patrick hollers, that hint of humor back in his voice. From that, I could already tell that he was taking me somewhere to forget about the events of today, though I honestly doubted that I ever could. Suddenly, I'm pulled to the ground with a loud smack against the ice, Patrick coming down with me.

"Ow!" I shout as my butt hits the hard pavement. Patrick laughs uncontrollably from his fetal position, and I can't help but laugh too. We were both laughing, wet, snow-covered messes. My tears had frozen to my face. Patrick looked completely dissheveled. But even when all that was so, neither of us really cared. We needed a moment to laugh for a bit.

"Epic fail!" Patrick cheers, pumping his fist up in the air and barely managing to even talk as he laughed harder than I've ever seen before. "Gah, my butt..." He rubs his snow-covered rear in mock-agony and I snort at his over-exaggeration. Things were finally feeling back to normal.

Slowly, I begin to rise off of the ground and try to stand, only to have my hands slide out from beneath me. I fall right on top of Patrick. It surprises me when he wraps his arms around my willowy frame and pulls me down towards him. He laughs, and as he does so, his brown eyes are alight with lively twinkles.

We stare into each others' eyes for a moment, then I clear my throat awkwardly. Patrick reluctantly lets me go and I stand, then offer my hand to help him up. I pull up the demon boy and he stands next to me.

"Well, lets go," I remind him. "Wherever we're going, I mean."

We keep walking until we see a snow-covered hill. Patrick gestures around as if this was a grande finally. Then, I realize that it is. I open my mouth to ask him about it, when suddenly, without warning, he pulls me down and into the snow. I gasp in surprise, then laugh as I yank him down here with me.

As I get back up, I see him grab a handful of snow. Knowing what he was going to do, I struggle with grabbing his arm and making it rebound right into his face. I succeed. We keep messing around for a bit until Patrick gets bored.

"Lets make a pretty snowman!" he decides, getting a wad of snow and starting to roll a bottom for the snowman. I start helping him, though the snow was freezing. It seeped through our thin gloves, freezing our skin.

After a while, it got big enough to stop where we were. "Ready for the middle?" Patrick asks, struggling with pushing the large bottom we've made. I nod my head in immediate agreement. As we start on the middle part, I focus on Patrick. He was panting from the cold, making a vaporization of his breath appear in front of his mouth. Breathing. Another sign of him being alive. A beautiful, beautiful sign.

I don't want those signs to ever disappear, and I won't let it happen. If he insists to be around me, I will protect him. I can't let him slip away from me like everyone else. I could never, ever allow it. I sit there, in the snow, wondering. Do I really care so much about him?

Would I go so far as to say... I love him?

"Yo, Lils," Patrick interrupts my thoughts. "What do you say we start on the head?"

***

The hot cocoa felt like fire sitting in my hands. We've been at the hill for, what, 5 hours? Now, as we sit in my kitchen, I look into Patrick's large brown eyes. It was unnaturally quiet around here. Enough to get me to freak out.

"Thanks for today," I say quickly, looking down in my hands. The marshmallows in my hot chocolate were melting quick. I take another sip, savoring the warmth surging through my chilled body. It was pretty cold to be November.

"Oh, don't gimme all the credit." Patrick grins. "I'm amazing enough as it is."

I slap his shoulder. "Don't get too cocky with me now..." I warn, raising my eyebrows high. Suddenly, he takes the cocoa from my hands and sets it onto my table.

"Hey!!" I protest, but Patrick doesn't listen. Instead, he pulls me closer to his face. We stare into each others' eyes, just the same as before. I try to speak, but the words twist around in my mouth. Gently, I push him away.

We were so close to sharing our first kiss, and I threw it all away.