Until Then

Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

Kenneth

I'd felt her eyes on me from across the crowded ER. I'm not sure how it's possible, but I know she could see me. She's sitting on a bench where the parking lot meets the landscaping of the hospital grounds. She's crying and it's annihilating my already broken heart. It's not the frantic sobbing of unexpected pain, it's the gentle weeping of grief. She tries to rub her tears away with the sleeve of her scrubs, but there are far too many to catch them all.

I sit down beside her with no clear plan of what I'll do next. She clears her throat and stares down at the ground, her body still trembling with her sorrow.

"Is your friend going to make it?" she asks me softly.

"Do you mean right now or in general?" I know my own grief shows on my face as I look into hers.

"It was on purpose?" she sniffs and tries again to wipe away the wetness from her pretty pink cheeks.

"Yes. And he's going to make it this time." I shake my head slightly. "I don't know about the next. He saw something pretty terrible in the sandbox and now he has to learn how to put himself back together when his parts aren't the same as when he left." I watch her focusing on my every word and it feels so good to be able to talk to someone. "It's almost ironic that the VA wants him to stand on his own two feet, but are dragging theirs when it comes to making sure his leg is strong enough to hold the weight of his body and the weight of what he'll carry in his head for the rest of his life."

"That's messed up. I'm sorry he's not in a good place. I guess sometimes we welcome Marines home, but don't make sure they're strong enough to get up the front steps." She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, still trying to keep from crying.

"What's got you so sad?" I ask and her teeth release her lip. She smiles the saddest smile I've ever seen. I think for a minute that she isn't going to answer, but then she takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly as if preparing herself to share something that's going to hurt.

"I lost a patient today. Some of the older nurses say it gets easier, but I've been doing this for a year now and it still hurts like the first time, every time." She looks down again at her hands. "I try not to cry in front of the parents since they have their own grief and it must be oceans deeper than mine. Usually I can make it to my car, but today I couldn't."

"How long were you his nurse?"

"A few months this time, but he's been in and out of here for as long as I've worked on the floor." She smiled again and this time there was a little happiness behind it. "He was such a cool kid. Never complained no matter what we had to do. The kids try to be brave you know? But sometimes they've just had enough. There's a lot of poking and testing and sometimes their little bodies are just too tired. They cry or tantrum, but he never did." I can tell in her voice that she was proud of him.

"Brave kid." I wonder if he was the one the little boy from the waiting room had been coming to visit. I'm not sure if she knows I'm stuck between worlds or if she actually thinks other people can see me too. "Was he friends with a little guy that liked Thor?"

Her eyes flash up to mine and I think for a minute she's going to freak out, but instead she laughs and nods her head. "Was he here?" She looks at me curiously.

"In the waiting room with you when you were eating the candy. He told me he was there to play with Joseph. That it was almost his time and he was coming to play with him in the light." Confessing all of this of course gives me away, not just as a spirit, but also as one that had been watching her.

If she cares, she doesn't mention it. Instead she nods her head and wipes at another tear and I'm hoping they're turning from tears of sadness into tears of joy. She laughs gently, "He left his pin."

I smile now because she's getting it. She's putting the pieces together without being terrified of what it all means. "Yes. On his way to see his friend. Just outside the waiting room." I tell her as I watch the delicate strands of hair that have escaped her ponytail dancing in the breeze. Even though she clearly had a rough day, and her eyes are red from her tears, she's still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. For the first time since all of this started, I feel a pain of disappointment that I hadn't met her before—when I could have done something about this desire I have to hold her and comfort her.

She nods her head and looks out across the dark parking lot. "I don't know if I'm overworked, overtired, or under medicated." She chuckles again as she watches a car drive by. "How can I see you when you're not really here?"

"I don't know. I haven't been able to figure that out yet myself." My answer is honest. I still don't understand how all of this works I just hope it works for a little longer. I'm not ready to give her up yet.

"Have we met before? You seem so familiar to me." Her beautiful eyes squint up at me like she's hoping to see the answer on my face.

I shrug my shoulders. "I feel the same way, but I'd remember if I saw you before." I smile at her, then remove my cover and run a hand through my hair. "It must just be one of those connections you can't really explain." I put the cover back on, pulling it down with my hand in the back and adjusting the bill over my eyes so I can still see her.

"Will I get to see you again?" She tucks her hair behind her ear and studies my face.

In my old life this would be where I'd ask her out. This would be where I held my breath and waited for her answer because I'd want it to be a yes so bad my heart would be slamming against my ribs and my smile would be fighting to stretch across my face until you could see it wrinkling the skin around my eyes. In my old life, I would be making my mind up that I would do whatever it took to get one date with her...but in this life I can't even touch her hand.

"I hope so."

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