"when you look back at the past six months, do you see anything worth to save between this?"
dan's words echo loudly in phil's mind as he rubs a soft towel through his wet hair, his body sinking down into the soft mattress of his bed, his eyes shutting close as he lets the material hang over his head, the damp towel brushing across his skin.
"you don't, and neither do i, so let's stop fucking pretending that we care about this friendship and this bullshit apartment,"
phil takes a deep breath, removing the towel from his head and settling it next to him, his fingers helplessly gripping the blue green duvet that he has had for so long. he leans back against his palms, letting his upper body lay across the familiar bed, his legs dangling off the edge.
the thought of not laying here with a bowl of popcorn or his laptop is strange, revolting even.
his eyes rake across the bright ceiling, the same ceiling he has stared at for hours, passing lonely nights and thoughtful afternoons, seeming to paint all his thoughts on the lone ceiling in invisible colours.
today, when he knows that he'll be leaving, he can see the colours unravel, dripping down from the high walls and landing straight into phil's chaotic mind.
he wants to avoid thinking about all the things that he once thought about, he wants to get rid of this restricting feeling in his chest, like everything he is doing is wrong. each step is like he's walking into a contraption, his chest tightening and mood dropping and thoughts colliding in an endless reverberation.
phil's hands are warm when he presses them against his eyes, hard enough for his vision to become dotted. his face scrunches up in displeasure once he feels the faint sting of the cut on his palm, the one caused due to the glass of the coffee mug digging into his hand.
he was glad dan didn't see him like that, or maybe he did but decided that he didn't care enough to comfort phil. either way, he was glad because god it would have been really hard to not break down in front of the brown haired boy.
phil wasn't sure if he had ever been so heart broken, not even when his first crush rejected his proposal or when his grand father died, or when his long term girlfriend left him, or when his pet rabbit died, or when dan and him broke up.
"this apartment has been full of mistakes,"
he can feel his throat closing up again, the ignorant words digging into his chest like blunt shards, the pain multiplying at the reminder of them being said by someone who he hasn't imagined life without since the past seven years.
leaving dan, this friendship, the whole living together scenario, wasn't supposed to be this hard to let go of. it should have been full of passive comments and hugs and banter, and recalling old memories and planning to create new ones and jokes about forgetting one another.
it wasn't supposed to be the reality, the jokes, as both of them were already trying hard to forget everything they had ever been through. every touch and hug and movie and song. and every kiss and word and book and place. and every time their eyes met and every time they made love to each other and every time they told each other 'i love you'. every heartbreak and day and night and tear. each promise and wish and dream and plan.
they were just trying to forget everything that ever reciprocated between them and god if it wasn't hard.
"phil?" dan's voice was hesitant, like he was testing the waters, his shaky hands gripping the handle of phil's bedroom door, and his teeth digging into his bottom lip as he waited for phil to reply.
