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You curled up in a ball in one of the military tents after you had come back from your successful mission. You were a Jedi Shadow, one of the toughest and stealthiest jedi to ever exist, however being and working alone most of the time had had its toll on you. No matter how many missions you had completed perfectly, killing still got to you.
This time it was a very talented fourteen-year-old boy. Count Dooku took him as his apprentice and the young boy had been so corrupted by the dark side that you couldn't bring him back. You had to eliminate him. The war had been raging for far too long now anyways, and the Jedi Council knew that they couldn't take any risks - if the boy had grown up to become a powerful Sith Lord, he would have caused much more trouble. That was where you came into the picture, their most reliable Jedi Shadow. It was cruel, yet simple - kill the boy, eliminate the threat, get the job done at all costs.
And you did it. You did it exactly how the Council wanted. Yet you couldn't help but feel torn apart as you pulled your knees up and rested your chin on them. A single tear slipped down your cheek.
All of a sudden a clone burst into the tent angrily, letting his helmet fall to the ground from his hand, shouting, "Just leave me alone for 10 minutes, Kix!" He paced around, taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself.
You looked at him for a couple of seconds before revealing yourself. Even though all clones shared the same face, in the Force they were all completely different. And you had never seen a more beautiful creature in all your life before. You got up slowly, dusted your (color) robes and rested your eyes on the back of this very peculiar clone. "What is troubling you, soldier?"
The clone turned around quickly and inspected you - though he had never met you before, he noticed your double-bladed lightsaber on your hip and saluted you. "General. I'm sorry, I haven't noticed you, sir."
"At ease, CT-5555," you mumbled and lowered your eyes.
"How did yo-," he stopped midsentence and sighed. "Nevermind, General. I guess I should be used to this by now. The name is Fives, sir."
"I'm sorry, Fives," you said and looked up into his eyes. "I know it makes some of you uncomfortable. Forgive me for seeing you with the Force."
You forced yourself out of Fives' head even though you wanted to find out what was bothering him. Guess I'll have to do this the old fashioned way, you thought and sat down again. You patted the floor beside you and waited for the clone's reaction. He hesitated for a moment. "General, I don't think-"
"It's (Y/n)," you said. "Outside I'm a general, but here in this tent I'm just a troubled girl who's scared of the war."
Fives slowly sank down next to you and looked at you with interest. "Yes, sir-"
"Please don't call me that," you moaned and it sounded more like a plea than an order.
"I'm sorry, (Y/n)," Fives apologized quickly. "I understand what it is like. You're just a jedi, I'm just a clone. We're used to this, aren't we?"
"I guess we are," you said. "Tell me - what made you so angry earlier? Can I help?"
The ARC trooper clenched his fists and his lips trembled as he replied. "Earlier today... when I was patrolling with my men... We've found a kid. He must have been thirteen, maybe fourteen. Murdered. But those were no blaster shots in his chest - those were lightsaber cuts. Someone butchered that poor boy! Who could do something like that?!"
You shut your eyes tightly and try to fight the images invading your mind. How you easily defeated him, how you knocked his lightsaber out of his hand, how you slashed across his chest... Tears started to fall from your eyes and you shook your head a little. Opening your eyes, you saw Fives' concerned expression.
"I'm sorry, (Y/n)... I didn't mean to upset you, I-"
"Tell me, Fives," you interrupted him, "do you follow orders?"
"Yes. Always," he replied immediately.
"Even if they require cruelty? Pain? Death?"
Fives nodded but never took his eyes off of you. "Yes. Even then."
"I didn't want to do that," you choked out as you tried to hold your sobs back. "But orders are orders."
You jumped up and rushed out of the tent, never looking back. You had had enough of this. All of this. The Council, the orders, how you were bossed around, the missions, the war. You wanted to leave everything behind. And it was so typical, that the only person that had made you feel something after years of numbness, now hated you for an act you didn't want to do. You ran past troopers resting and loading cargo on the ships.
[Timeskip]
You meditated in your quarters as the command ship took you and all the clone forces that were on the planet Cato Neimoidia as well back to Coruscant. The images of killing that boy never left you, making you restless. Meditation usually helped, but that moment nothing could ease the growing pain that was eating away at your heart. You sighed and ran your hands down your crossed legs. Your troubled heart clouded your better judgement and senses. You needed to convince yourself that your actions were necessary and just. But how can killing be just, you thought to yourself. You stood up and started pacing in the small room.
You suddenly came to a halt when you sensed someone standing in front of your quarters. You could sense their nervousness and their hesitation, but you could also sense regret... Fives, you thought to yourself and nervously crossed your arms. Then you decided to open the door and hear him out. The sound of the door scared the ARC trooper and you could see him jump a little, but he soon stood at attention in front of you.
"General (Y/l/n), I've come to talk to you and to-"
"Come in, Fives," you turned around and let him. After your door closed, you faced him. "I assume you would like to know what has happened back at Cato Neimoidia."
Fives removed his helmet and looked into your eyes. "Yes, sir. I... I want to know the truth."
"It was a secret mission, trooper," you started. "I hope you can keep it to yourself - for the sake of both of us."
You explained everything to the clone who was willing to hear you out. The anger that was radiating from him slowly turned into shame and pity as you went deeper and deeper into the story. After you finished clearing the air between you, you looked at him with tears in your eyes. "I wish I had another choice. I truly do. But there was nothing else to be done about this. About him..."
Fives' helmet fell on the ground with a loud thud as he opened his arms for you and pulled you in for a strong hug. He pressed his face to yours and seemed like he never ever wanted to let you go. However, as soon as he realized what he'd done, he pulled back immediately, "I-I'm sorry, General. I shouldn't have done that."
"Just do it again, Fives," you literally begged him, "Please!"
You didn't have to ask twice - in seconds you were in his arms again. And when you hugged this man back had you started to realize that your mind was at ease as long as he was with you.
You could never truly forget what has happened. What you had done. You thought time would ease the pain, but it didn't. Not this time. But when Fives, your love would be around and notice your past haunting you, he'd hold you like he did the first time back on that ship.
