It's Ok

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POV: Josh

Warnings: None (I think)

-Begin Chapter-

JJ and I walked into the living room, the air around us awkward and tense for some reason.

"JJ?" I called out to him, stopping behind the couch and turning to look at him, observing the curious look that crossed his face.

"Yeah?"

"Is everything alright?" I questioned.

"Of course bro, why wouldn't it be?"

I shrugged my shoulders before answering.

"I don't know. The air just feels weird, like there is something awkward between us."

"Really?" asked JJ, looking super confused, "What the fuck bro? Why would anything be awkward between us? I mean we haven't done anything to make it awkward."

"Exactly." I said, not even thinking.

Shit.

"Wait. Is the fact that you and I haven't done anything, like kissing or what the fuck ever, bothering you?" he questioned, looking at me like a curious puppy.

"I guess." I said, looking away from his wide brown eyes to stare at a random wall.

"Josh." He said simply. I could hear him move closer to me until his hand was on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly. "It's ok bro."

I could feel anger enter me at his statement making me confused and made me even more angry. Why in the fuck was I angry? Why was I letting this emotion control me? I have been so strong to control my anger, control my want for someone to hold me for once, all of these things that I have hidden from everyone.

I have been the fucking strong one this whole time, being the rock for everyone in the house, the dad as most people would see it and now, now fucking look at me. I feel weak, sad that I haven't received any attention from JJ. JJ, out of everyone in the house, it had to be fucking JJ! It was not ok! I was supposed to be strong!

"Josh?" he dark skinned boy behind me called, his voice questioning.

I mumbled out words that I knew he could not hear.

"What?" he asked.

I felt the anger boil up and jump out as I turned to JJ, tears prickling the corner or my eyes for some stupid fucking reason.

"IT'S NOT OK!" I raised my voice at him, causing him to flinch back. JJ opened his mouth to say something, but I never even gave him a chance. I started walking towards him causing him to move back as I let out all of my anger and frustration by screaming at him. "It's not ok JJ! I have been the fucking rock all this time! These last, almost two fucking months! I haven't had to go to anybody for comfort or shit, they always come to me! They always end up in my arms and I have to be the strong one! I have to tell them that it is ok! That everything is going to be fine! I have to comfort them from their nightmares! It's always me JJ! They always come to me! Why in the HELL do I feel like I need to go to you? Why in the FUCKING HELL do I want your hugs or your kisses? Why do I feel like I need them?"

As I let out my anger, I ended up backing JJ into a wall, his back finally hitting it, causing him to be still as I brought our faces close together. I could see his wide eyes get even wider as I spoke, the truth finally pouring out after I had buried it for so long. I hadn't even realized I was even burying these feelings till now. So much had been going on that I haven't had time to think about anything other than taking care of the boys.

"Why do I feel so weak, wanting someone's attention?" I continued, still angry, "Why do I want to just be the one seeking attention for once? Why does it make me feel weak for wanting that? Why do I feel weak? Why?" I heard my own voice break at the end, my throat swelling up as the tears that stayed in the corner of my eyes began to fall.

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