"왜 내 맘을 흔드는 건데?"
dear jungkook,
i couldn't sleep the whole night. i kept on thinking about the fansign that we're attending today. i was so excited. i had so many thoughts and imaginations that kept me up all night. but i made sure to put a little makeup on my face so you won't be able to see my eyebags.
when we arrived at the venue, only a few people were there. a hundred, maybe? and most of them are fansites. we got in since we came early. i was shaking and i felt cold when the staffs finally let us in. and then there you are again suddenly, up in the stage, together with your members introducing yourselves one-by-one. i felt my heart skip a beat, like it was the first time seeing you. but i liked it. i liked this feeling. i like seeing you in front of me smiling, finally living your dream.
the event started right away. there weren't too many people since it was your first fansign event and you just debuted. but i can see how all of these people support you and your group. it all went too fast. although we were on the last five rows, it was our turn to go up the stage and talk to you. my hands were suddenly cold. i felt uneasy. i didn't know what to do or what to say in front of you. i didn't know how would you react if you see me again after all these years.
my heart was beating so fast i could feel it was about to explode because of my nervousness. the more i get close to the stage, the more anxious i feel. what if you don't recognize me? what if you really didn't want to see me? what if—oh, i'm next.
i don't know why but i suddenly put a mask on my mouth and wore my cap. maybe i wasn't confident enough. maybe i still don't have the strength to face you again. maybe i'm still not ready for this. i started going through the members and some of the staffs were rushing us so i wasn't able to start a good conversation with them.
you're next.
"hi," you said in a playful voice. my whole body was frozen when i met you face to face. hearing your talking voice again after a long time just calms me down, but not this time. my nervousness was eating me alive.
"h-hello..." i said in a trembling voice.
you smiled and took a glance at me. i was startled when you looked me straight in the eyes. i turned to a different direction. "you have nice eyes, don't hide them," you said.
my heart was beating so fast. i felt so hot. i can feel my face turning red. it literally felt like i was about to die in any second.
"t-t-thank y-you..." despite what i was feeling, i still managed to say those words.
"woah, your voice is really cute!" you said why signing the album. you looked at me again and your facial expressions suddenly changed.
did you recognize me? did you finally recognize me?
"are you sick?" you asked. for some reasons, i somehow felt a little relieved. you thought that i was sick because of my face turning red while wearing a mask.
"i-i'm not..." i forced a smile, still trying to avoid eye-contact.
the managers asked me to move to the next member so you said your goodbyes to me. you raised your right hand, asking for a high five, so i gave you one. but when our palms touched, you suddenly intertwined your fingers with mine.
"your hands are so cold. make sure to keep yourself warm, okay?" you said while smiling.
still dumbfounded about what you just did, the managers guided me to the next member, which was jimin. it felt like my soul just left my body. my heart—am i really going to die now? your hands, your soft warm hands...i missed it so much. you have no idea how i've always long to hold your hands again. and now you just did...am i in the real world?
jimin was trying to initiate a conversation but my eyes were still glued on you. i saw how you hold everyone's hands. and that's when i realized.
ah. that was just a fanservice. i shouldn't feel anything special.
but i can't help it. this has been one of the happiest moment in my life. thank you, jungkook.
