The Bucket List [boyxboy]

Chapter Ten

Friday, April 1, 2016

I.

HATE.

April first.

I swear I'm going to get wrinkles today just keeping my eyes narrowed suspiciously at literally EVERYONE.

You can't trust anybody on April first. Not harmless-seeming strangers. Not your friends. Not even YOUR OWN MOTHER who will try to POISON YOU by replacing your Greek yoghurt with MAYONNAISE and your maple syrup with HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP and your cinnamon with CUMIN.

So much for breakfast.

Later

I asked Byron if he wanted to have a double funeral because I'll likely be dead by the end of the day. Anita and Lewis BOTH leaned across the table to hit me but Byron was just like, 'Yeah, that'd be sick.'

So I said, 'Like me. Sick. My mother tried to kill me this morning.'

Lewis said, 'It's bit like that Purge movie over at your place sometimes. Like, she has to try to keep you alive for most of the year and then on April Fools' Day she gets to try to murder you.'

And Anita unhelpfully added, 'I'm just amazed that she manages to keep it to one day a year. If I had to live with you I'd be Pinky-and-the-Brain plotting your death on the daily.'

I was like, 'You DID live with me. Is your brain so addled with drugs that you're losing all your memories already? I guess that makes you Pinky.'

And she was like, 'No, I guess my subconscious just blocked it out for self-preservation.'

And I was like, 'You literally just admitted to trying to kill me, why would YOU need to block it out? I'm the victim here. I'm the one with lasting trauma.'

And Anita was like, 'Sure, Charlie. YOU have trauma from living with ME. I'M the one that's difficult to live with.'

I HATE TODAY.

Later

Anita got me. She always does.

Shaving foam in my locker.

Sand in my shoes.

Honey in my shampoo.

This year it was glitter in my pencil case.

I tried to get her back by borrowing Carly's eye drops to put some in her water bottle like I saw on Wedding Crashers but Lewis stopped me because apparently you can kill people by doing that.

Whatever. She would deserve it.

I HATE TODAY.

Later Later

Finally it's lunch.

Update on me: I am developing a ulcer from the stress of dealing with today. I am hunched protectively my food in case anybody tries to poison me again, and also over this fucking thing because you KNOW somebody would think it was a hilarious plan to steal it and photocopy it or read it out loud at the top of the caf or something.

Honestly April Fools' Day is just mandated bullying. And as usual the minorities are the real victims. I should call GLAAD about this.

UGHHHHHHHHHH Lewis just put an ice cube down the back of my shirt.

I HATE TODAY.

Later again

Today's doodles: