Harmless Things (Jean Hobbs AU)

Part forty (END)

Dean P.O.V.

I huffed and sighed heavily as I tried to unknot my tie that had gone horrifically wrong somewhere in the process of trying to do it up, but pulling on the ends only seemed to make it worse.

“Dean, stop huffing and puffing. Here, I’ll do it,” I stopped fighting with it and watched Jack as he untied it with no problem and tied it properly, pulling it up to my top button. “Are you okay?”

“I… I don’t want to do this. I mean, I do, but I-I’m not ready." I had had over a week to prepare for today, but I had kept putting off the 'preparing' right up until the very last minute. The last 11 days had been a fast blur but a slow drag at the same, so I wouldn't be able to tell you what's happened and what I've been doing, but I could recall every detail of every single day if you wanted me to.

“I understand, but try and see it as the sooner it’s over, the sooner she’ll be in peace,” Jack finished adjusting my tie as he spoke but I avoided eye contact. I still didn’t feel much better about saying goodbye for the last time, but he had made me see the day more positively. “You might feel better when you’re there,” he went on, running his hands through my hair and pulling out some of the tangles I had missed. “It might just be the thought of it that’s putting you off. But whatever happens, I’ll stick by you, okay?” He gave my squeezed my hand and after I felt confident that I had blinked back the tears enough, I looked up and smiled weakly at him.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to eat before we leave? Or do you want another cup of tea?” He asked, and I just shook my head, my stomach swimming with nerves and sickness and God knows what else. I miraculously managed the sleep through the whole night without any interruptions or nightmares until the alarm at 9am, and even though I felt a lot better, I still had the feeling I was hazy and dazed, as if I was in my own personal bubble that blurred my vision ever so slightly and made distant noises echo in my ears.

My attention span still wasn’t that great, either. I was easily distracted and my thoughts would jump from one thing to another, then to another in a matter of seconds. My thoughts were foggy too, so I couldn’t really be sure what I spent my time thinking about, or if I even thought at all.

Even after sleeping through the night for the first time in a week, I had lost my appetite and the taste of sugar in one sip of tea made me sick. The only thing my body didn’t mind consuming was water, so I had had a couple of glasses since I woke up and that seemed to be all I could cope with.

“Well, the hearse will be here in half an hour, so you’ve got a bit of time if you change your mind,” Jack said and my mouth was too dry to speak so  I just nodded in reply instead and closed my eyes when he leaned in and kissed me. “It’s going to be fine.”

He smiled one last time before leaving the room and I turned to look in the mirror, putting on my blazer on top of my white shirt. After sleeping my face didn’t look so tortured – my eyes weren’t bloodshot and the circles underneath them didn’t seem as dark. My complexion was all one colour too for a change and didn’t look like such a shocking contrast compared to my cheeks looking like they had met with a blusher.

They’re all just going to pity me, I thought. I don’t need or want that.

I pinned a dark pink carnation flower on my blazer, sticking with the ‘wear something pink’ theme we had arranged. Scarlett didn’t like roses because of their spiky stems, and even though sunflowers were her favourite flowers, they weren’t pink. I chose a carnation because those were her second favourite and she once said they looked like mini fireworks in a plant pot. I was otherwise wearing just a white shirt, black tie and blazer but Jack had a pink tie, Daniel had pink shirt and our mother was wearing a flowery dress which looked like a bigger replica of one that Scarlett owned with a pink cardigan on top.