Buzzkill [Winter Soldier]

Chapter 48

The crisp, cold morning air felt nice against Ruth's face as she and James sat on a bench outside their apartment building. Her backpack sat next to her, and the sleeping bag sat at her feet. For a while, the two of them just sat next to each other and soaked in the silence around them that was only interrupted by birds and the occasional slow traffic that would pass by. Ruth wanted to say something, but she was worried it would only take that much for her to become emotional.

"Do you think you'll be able to write at all?" James asked, breaking the ice to start a conversation. His voice was low as he tried not to think about the inevitability of today.

"Yeah, I should be able to. I'll send them to your post box here at the apartment. How should I write your name?"

"Well, when we got the room, I put our names down as Bonnie and Clyde," James said, a smirk emerging on his face.

Ruth looked at him to see if he was joking, she couldn't help but give a small smile, "Are you serious?"

James nodded, "Bonnie and Clyde Jamison."

Ruth gave a small laugh, "Then I guess I'll address the letter to Clyde Jamison."

"Sounds good to me, Bonnie."

Emotion was already welling up as a lump caught in her throat.

"Are you sure you want to go?" James asked.

No, I'm not, Ruth said to herself.

"Yes. It will be good for me. I'll be back in my hometown and I'll try to figure out some things about my family and Ryker. Most of my time will probably be spent searching hundreds of tombstones for Helene, so I'll be busy." Ruth tried to muster a smile, but it didn't look genuine.

James looked at Ruth and saw her hurting, his own mind became foggy and his heart ached.

"It's ok. I'll be fine on my own," Ruth tried to reassure him.

James' words became quiet, "But you don't have to be alone."

"...I know." It broke Ruth's heart. She didn't want to continue to talk, if she did, she might decide to stay. She stood up from the bench.

James stood up as well.

Ruth felt tears well up in her eyes, "I'll see you again, right?" She asked him like he would know. The truth was, she wasn't sure herself.

"Yeah," James smiled, his own eyes becoming warm. He wrapped her in a hug and held her tight, and Ruth held him the same.

Tears started falling down Ruth's face the longer they embraced.

"Goodbye, James," Ruth said to him, releasing the hug.

"Goodbye, Ruth," He replied.

She turned hesitantly and walked down the sidewalks that led to the bus stop, not turning around to see if James was even still watching her. Ruth quickly wiped the tears off her face and tried to stop herself from crying anymore.

For the hours that it took to travel to Sweden from bus to bus and train to train, Ruth didn't cry once. At each ride all she would do was look out the window and follow the horizons of the trees.

The moment she arrived in Sweden, everything felt so familiar. When she stepped off the bus and stepped foot in the city of Malmö, she took a deep breath and smelled the ocean air. Memories of the city flooded her mind.

After getting her key to her own apartment in the city that she had had many times before when doing missions, Ruth walked up the two flights of stairs, set her bag down on the barren floor, and collapsed to the ground. There, on the cold floor of the empty one-bedroom apartment, Ruth held herself and sobbed for hours. Her whole body shook, her mind became clouded, her heart and chest ached.

She was utterly and completely alone. She was so alone it hurt to breathe. This city didn't feel like home anymore, she didn't feel comforted, Ruth felt petrified.

There was no one.

She was alone.