Major Depressive Dollhouse

Doll

"Are you seeing this?" I softly uttered before shouting it at the top of my lungs, "ARE YOU SEEING THIS?! Terra!!"

There was no answer. I took a deep breath. The feeling of extreme anxiety and worrying about the shortness of breath weren't helping. I was sitting on my window seat downstairs, looking at the dollhouse right next to mine. Unlike all other dollhouses, mine didn't include the window illusion. Or any illusion for that matter. I always knew exactly where I was, at every point in time right from the beginning.

"Terra?" I whispered, wiping my tears. I looked around and saw my doll sitting across the room, and suddenly bolted towards her to pick her up from a vanity table, which was partially covered with a bed sheet.

"Are you seeing this?" I asked while stroking her hair, "Are you?"

I walked back towards the window and sat down.

"They're leaving. Why would they leave?" I wondered while watching a blonde and my former neighbour Alan walk out the dollhouse next door. I quickly realised Alan was able to see me through my window from the outside.

"Oh boy... here comes a wave of questions..." I whispered and noticed she was now looking at me as well. They went towards my front door.

"What do I do...?" I calmly contemplated to myself as I heard a knock on the door, "What if I just don't answer?" They knocked again, so I got up from the window seat, put my doll back where it was and slowly approached the front door. I reluctantly opened it after the third knock, but I only held it open just enough to peek through. I looked at Alan and then at... her. There she was. I never thought she'd ever stand this close to me.

"Ryn?" he asked, looking at me with the most concerned expression I'd ever seen on his face. I quietly looked at Peggy again, but I switched my gaze to Alan after a short moment. I didn't want her to think I was weird. He approached me, so I moved away from the door and he pushed it open. They both came in and then they just stood there, waiting for me to explain what I was doing in a dollhouse.

"Is this some kind of a joke? What are you doing here?" he bossed. I immediately knew he wouldn't possibly understand.

"You don't get it," I whispered while slowly moving further away from the door.

"Well then why don't you explain? You were always so happy..." he contemplated.

I looked at Peggy again and suddenly forgot what he said a moment ago. I thought that having her in my house in front of me like that would make me feel agitated, but it was quite calming. It wasn't like she knew what I'd been doing - at least she didn't seem like she knew anything about me at all. That was a good sign, very reassuring.

"I'm not sure how this works," I softly uttered, "This should be distressing to me and it's mostly just a strange feeling."

"Strangers walking through your door?" she suddenly asked me. Strangers. Even more reassuring. She had no idea.

"We used to be neighbours. We've been friends since we were little," Alan explained to her before turning his head towards me again, "How would someone as happy as you end up in a place like this?"

That was the problem. He thought he knew everything there was to know about me simply because he was my neighbour for a long time. He knew nothing.

"Happy..." I repeated as I started pacing around Peggy. She was beautiful. She was everything I'd always wanted to be without really knowing it. I took the opportunity of having her in my house to study her a little more closely. Her exact hair colour, her skin, her clothes and accessories... "I've never managed to pin down the meaning and look how many psychology books I have," I explained while still looking at her. If only I could have taken pictures but instead I tried to retain as much information about her looks as I possibly could. "I'm not sure how this works, just... not... sure. No."

"Is Terra here with you?" he enquired.

"Terra," I whispered, "she's here." I turned around and looked for my doll. I picked her up and then continued to look at Peggy as I stroked my doll's hair. My head turned sideways as I was observing her and it took me a few moments to realise that. She was looking at me this time as well and I could clearly see the expression of pity on her face.

"Look, we're leaving this place. Why don't you go get your things and I'll take you home?" Alan suddenly suggested. He had no idea what he'd just said. Home? What home? I backed away from both of them, "What?"

I started imagining what going back home would feel like, and it was so distressing to me that I started to panic, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't leave this place, this is home."

"What the hell happened to you?" Alan slowly started approaching me, "You were always so happy and... sane."

I snapped out of it, looked at him and then my doll, "I was never happy... I was just really good at pretending. I'm not leaving, I belong here."

To my horror, he suddenly declared he'd get my things himself and then he randomly started walking around my house, looking for what I assumed was where I kept my clothes and things. When I realised he was about to go up the stairs I immediately let go of my doll, grabbed him by his shirt and pulled back as hard as I could.

"I told you I'm not going anywhere!" I screamed, and luckily I shocked him enough to stop insisting. His little head didn't allow him to think that maybe some people want to be in a dollhouse... But then I suddenly realised my doll was on the floor and I picked her up, "Look what you did to her." I looked at Alan, "You need to leave, I don't need a saviour," I declared and started walking upstairs with my doll.

It was only when I heard Peggy say "I guess she really wants to stay" when I stopped walking and realised I shouldn't have gone upstairs just yet. "We should go. I'll come back for her," he said.

"No, no, no, no..." I quietly contemplated, "I didn't get one last look at her. Why didn't I look at her?"

I was about to run downstairs and then she was suddenly there, standing in front of the window where I had been sitting just earlier. I could see her from the top of the stairs and she didn't notice I was there. Alan joined her. I quietly sat down at the top of the stairs and observed them. They had just noticed that my windows didn't provide a comfortable little illusion of being in an imaginary world.

"We really need to go though," he declared and as they both went towards the door I stood up and followed them, but then I stopped walking when Alan shut the door behind him. He was too focused on Peggy and getting away to notice I had followed them. There was a window to the right from the front door and I walked towards it to watch them. They were still right outside my house, talking, but I wasn't able to hear the conversation. Then he took her hand and they left.

"No..." I bellowed, watching them with my hand pressed up against the window, still holding my doll, and coming to a full realisation that I might never see her again.

"Terra..." I howled, "What if I never see her again? She was my entire identity."

I walked towards the vanity table where my doll originally was and I put her back.

"Don't worry babydoll," replied Terra, "we'll find you a new identity."

I turned around to look at my older sister Terra coming downstairs with a smile.

"Everything will be alright, you'll see," she reassured.