Within These Walls

Chapter 33

Two chattering girls enter the shower room. At the sight of Marcus's face, they come to a sudden halt, their words dying on their lips. They decide a bathroom break can wait and spin around, heading back the way they came.

When their voices disappear down the hallway, I ask him in my steadiest voice, "What exactly do you remember?"

With the way he's acting, it can't be anything good. His anger must have been an integral part of his personality back then. It's too deep-rooted to be artificial. I thought his rough upbringing and his guilt over Frankie's death were the cause of it, but if those memories weren't real, it means it originated from somewhere else.

Somewhere a lot more frightening.

"What do you remember?" I ask him.

"How about you stop asking me these questions? You weren't there. You're not one of us, so you'd never understand."

I'm taken aback at his hostility. "Since when is this an Us-Versus-Them thing?"

"Still with the questions."

My own anger stirs to life. "Fine. No more questions. All I can tell you is whatever you've done in the past, whatever you think you are—that's not the only person you can be. These past couple of weeks are proof of that. I don't know what it was like for you guys in that place. But I do know the future is in your hands. What matters most is what you choose to do from this moment on."

Marcus leans against the wall next to the sinks and smirks. "Maybe."

He's withdrawing from me. I'm more desperate than ever to hold onto him. "Your memories aren't all that define you. You're—"

"This is getting us nowhere," he says, turning to leave.

"Marcus," I call out. "We haven't finished talking about this."

"There's nothing to talk about. You're way in over your head. You want the truth? The dreams I've been having are real. Rudolph isn't the first person I've ever killed. I don't know what number he is. You lose track at some point." He sneers. "Sooner or later it stops being such a big deal."

"What do you mean?" I ask, my voice thin.

"I'm talking about what Eli did to that girl. How he killed her before she even blanked. Director Blaine taught us that. He started us off on Blanks, got us used to seeing so much death. It wasn't long before we were killing kids who just had symptoms."

"He's a psycho," I say indignantly.

"No. He's not the psycho. I am. I'm the one who chose to do it. Being Director Blaine's favorite meant I was at the top of the food chain. I could see the looks the others gave me. Their respect. Their fear. The guys wanted what we had. Girls like Janie couldn't get enough of me. Director Blaine was a jerk most of the time, but the power he gave us—the purpose. I was so loyal to him I would have done anything for him. I still am."

I face the blank mirrors, my hand pressed against my mouth. Marcus didn't just kill Blanks. He killed innocent kids just because they exhibited the symptoms. No wonder Eli was quick to stab that girl earlier today. It was what Blaine trained him to do.

What Blaine trained Marcus to do.

"I can't pretend to be anything more than I am," he says. "I don't want to. Makes it easier to sleep at night when you accept that you are a monster." His jaw tightens. "And knowing you, you'd never be able to live with that. So it's best for both of us if I walk away right now."

And he does. He leaves me alone in the shower room, my heart encased in a block of ice.

When I've had my fill of thinking, I head for the cafeteria. I try to shake off my gloom, but it sticks to my skin like a layer of glue. Focus on the plan, I tell myself. Part of the reason I wanted to make amends with Marcus is because I need his help. I need him to help me convince Eli and the rest of his buddies to go along with my crazy scheme.