It's the kind of party where the past feels like it's repeating itself. Where boys are still huddled in corners with fingers intertwined and it's easy to forget everything that made the two of you fell apart.
Summer is coming and everyone knows it. For some it's the end of a chapter, for others it's just the start of a break from university life. For some, it might be goodbye.
Charlie is learning to love parties like this, mainly because they inevitably end with him in a dark corner, arms looped around Finn's neck, mouths pressed together. A few moments of passion when they're both too drunk to care that this goes against everything they promised each other.
They're meant to be keeping their distance, but it's difficult on nights like these when all the lines seem so blurred. When nothing seems like a bad idea.
The night always begins with a promise.
Charlie promises himself that tonight will be different, that he'll stay away from Finn and be better than he has been the past few parties. He's made new friends, he's enjoying his course, he's happy and he's proved to himself that he doesn't need Finn in his life.
It always starts with a glance.
Eyes meeting across a crowded room, a total cliché. But one glance at Finn in a tight top and skinny jeans and all promises Charlie has made to himself are out of the window. It doesn't matter if he needs Finn in his life, he wants him.
And so the night progresses, stolen glances, the occasional touch, and shot after shot after shot until Charlie's inner voice has switched itself off and he doesn't mind being pressed against a wall and letting his hands roam.
Sure, it's not perfect. Their mouths taste of alcohol and their movements are clumsy and the two of them don't really talk, but it's working for them – sort of – and right now Charlie is willing to take what he can get from Finn. He doesn't want to pressure the boy into anything more in case that pushes him away completely.
This night is no different to the others in some ways. Their eyes meet across the room; Charlie feels his heart beat in that erratic rhythm he's become so used to.
But then, unlike usual, Finn ducks his head, breaks their gaze, turns away.
And suddenly the whole party has changed and rather than feeling like an escape from reality it feels like a reminder of just how much everything is shifted since Finn found out about Daniel. Because no matter what Charlie tries to tell himself drunken hook-ups cannot make up for lost conversations and nights spent in each other's arms. And alcohol driven makeout sessions cannot compete with kisses fuelled by passion and romance and maybe something a little close to love.
Sometimes Charlie thinks that things are better now, but sometimes, they seem so much worse.
It's like Charlie is having to break every little Finn-based habit he's ever learnt. Is having to suppress the urge to reach out and link their fingers together. Has had to stop hanging out with Finn's friends because he can't be around him without wanting to kiss him or touch him or just to say his name like a prayer.
But he's adapting, like all species learn to do when change comes around. Because ultimately he's got to learn to survive on his own, without his Dad making all his decisions for him, without Finn trying to protect him from everything he really needs to face up to. Finn was Charlie's getaway, a chance to pretend that everything in his life was going great, but now he's taken a step back and can see the paradise that he and Finn shared was just a small part of the mess that Charlie's life had become.
Things are getting better though.
He has new friends, who roll their eyes whenever they see how close he and Finn are standing. And he has a renewed sense of purpose, a real feeling that he can be whatever he wants to be. He can take what he's learnt from all his mistakes, and can turn himself into someone great. He doesn't want to scrap the old Charlie completely, doesn't want to forget what he's done – sometimes it's good to remember – instead he wants to patch up all the cracks in his heart and work on making his soul feel a little bit cleaner. He's improving himself instead of trying to rebuild himself completely.
