If I Save You

Chapter Eleven-Scared

"Hey, what's up, Hallie? Sorry to be such an overprotective older brother, but you haven't called in a while, and I was worried. And, honestly, I miss you. I want to talk to you. Life sucks over here. My girlfriend just broke up with me for some other guy. Crazy, right? I'm so devilishly handsome. No clue what she was thinking. But my shift starts in like two seconds, so I gotta go. But I love you. Don't forget that. And call me soon, or I swear, Hallie Parker, I will march over to whatever train station you're at and smack you"

I smile. Hearing Callum's voice makes me a whole lot happier, and makes my anxiety slowly ease away, and become background noise. I take my phone away from my ear, and tuck it back into my pocket.

As I take a sip of my iced tea, I stare out at all the busy people, walking past me in a blur of faces. Ethan, Ben and I decided to stop by at this small café before we board our train, because we have a few extra minutes to kill.

I wonder what could go wrong.

Glad you asked. You could miss your train. Ben gets kidnapped. Ethan decides that he doesn't want you here anymore. You do get on your train, on time, but it gets hijacked by terrorists. And you die.

Wouldn't be so bad if Ben did get kidnapped, I joke to myself. The kid can't shut up. He reminds me of how Callum was when he was a kid, blabbing on and on and on. But Ben's way smarter.

"Can you guys buy me a cookie?" Ben asks hopefully, his curls falling into his large, doughy eyes. "Please, please, please?"

"Ben...I already told you. We can't spend anymore money" Ethan mutters, dragging a hand down his face. Ethan has been looking more stressed and stressed as time goes by. It hurts to see him fade like this, and I can't help him. Ethan has an annoying way of shutting people out.

Like you?

"Hey, Hallie, what are those?" Ben points to my arm.

I freeze as I realise that I had rolled up my sleeve without thinking, and the tiny little scars on my arm was showing.

I couldn't say anything to Ben. What do I say?

"Oh, those are nothing" Ethan suddenly dismisses, as he moves his straw around in his cup of iced coffee, the little cubes of ice clinking around the plastic cup. "Hallie has a few vicious cats that scratch her sometimes"

"Oh" Ben turns away, and starts playing with his zipper, pulling it up and down his coat.

"Thank you" I gratefully whisper to Ethan. He just shrugs, not looking up from his cup.

I quickly roll up my sleeves, and place my hands in my lap as a horribly memory plays through in my head, like a trailer for a sad, depressing movie.

Dad wasn't home.

Not like he was, anyways. He's probably at a bar. He'll come home stumbling drunk in a few hours, when me and Callum are asleep. He'll burst into our rooms, and start yelling awful things at us, like he always does.

I was in the bathroom. The lights were turned off, because there was a large bathroom mirror, and I couldn't stand to see myself. I had a razor in my hand, and I was staring at my arms, shaking, tears pooling in my eyes.

I've heard about self-harm. My health teacher talked about it. She said it was a bad thing to do, and people need to get help.

But who the hell would want to help me?

I trace small lines in my arm, and blood beads down my skin. I just wanted to feel something. I hated myself for hating myself. I wanted to feel something, not the numb sadness I always feel.