Battlefield ★ Bucky Barnes

XXII. Closer Than You Think

Connie sped down the streets of D.C. toward the Dunpont Circle, the hotel she had been staying at since she had convinced her way out of the hospital. She wanted nothing more than to head back to hers and Steve's apartment, but given the damage caused to it a week ago, that wasn't exactly possible. She would have to wait until Steve got out of the hospital to take care of the situation, and she wasn't sure when that would be, so she decided it would be best for her to just remain in a hotel for the time being.

Bucky sat in the passenger's seat of Connie's Audi, his gaze on the road ahead. He was feeling slightly nervous, as he wasn't sure who this man was that he was about to meet. The only information Connie had given him was that he was a friend and someone Bucky could put his trust in. She assured him that this man would do whatever he could in order to help both of them, especially once he received the story behind it all.

Bucky was just so unsure about it, though. He knew that Connie wanted to help him, but he knew that was because the two of them used to know each other and Connie seemed to genuinely care a lot about him. This man Connie spoke to him about did not know Bucky, and even after learning about who he was, he knew there was no way this man would want to help him after learning about everything he had done over the past fifty years.

"What makes you so sure that this man will be willing to help someone like me?" Bucky spoke quietly from his seat. "I know I wouldn't."

Connie's grip tightened on the steering wheel and she glanced over at him, letting out a shaky breath. She could remember feeling exactly the same way he did after her escape back in 2008, and it broke her heart to know that he was experiencing such a pain.

Connie remembered the overwhelming guilt inside her due to her actions and crimes over the years, and she remembered feeling absolutely worthless because of them. She could remember spending weeks in the lonely apartment S.H.I.E.L.D. had provided her with just mourning all of her victims and mourning for all of the families she had been forced to tear apart. Connie never felt as if she was worth a second chance, and she never felt as if she was worth the opportunity to live when so many people had perished because of her. One man felt the complete opposite, however, and she knew that if he felt that way about her, he would feel the same way about Bucky.

"Listen, I understand why you're feeling the way you are right now, but—"

"How?" Bucky cut her off. Her words sparked a particular anger inside him that he didn't understand. All he knew was that no one could possibly begin to understand how he felt; it was virtually impossible. "Please do enlighten me as to how you could possibly understand why I am feeling the way I do, because I would sure as hell love to know."

Connie frowned at the sudden burst of anger from him, but her desire not to argue with him was very strong, so she decided to stick with a rather simple and vague answer. "I just do, okay?"

"You do?" Bucky scoffed and shook his head. "You understand the horrible guilt and pain that I feel because of everything I've done? You understand why I'm questioning why anyone in their right mind would ever want to help someone like me? You understand why I'm questioning what little worth I have left, or if I have any at all? You understand all of that?"

His attitude was only agitating Connie, as was his assumption about her. She didn't want to argue with him at all, but it appeared that would be the only way to drill it into his muddled mind that she truly did understand him.

"Yes," Connie exclaimed. "I understand all of that. Do you wanna know why I understand all of that? Because after I left Steve to find you in those stupid mountains, they took me, too. They didn't brainwash me or wipe me of my memories or anything of that sort—if they did, I sure as hell don't remember it—but I was under their complete control; it was either that or death, and for some stupid reason, going out and murdering people was more appealing to me than dying."