The Marauders: Year Five #Wattys2017

The Insulting Parchment

The Insulting Parchment

Over the next two weeks, the Marauders guarded the Map very carefully, finding new hiding places for it each time they left the dorms, checking back between classes to be sure Filch hadn't raided their dormitory for it. Just as they'd suspected, Filch did indeed make them turn out their pockets every time he saw them - especially James, who he seemed to be trying to seek out about the castle for the express purpose of checking for the Map. He got more and more frustrated every time he commanded them to empty out and there was no map, only bits of chocolate bars and actual notes they'd passed about in classes and odds and ends. He got a few dungbombs off Sirius one day, but nothing was seen of the Map.

Meanwhile, the boys were practicing their skills at making insulting parchments. They'd set insulting charms on a bit of paper and carry it about, making random students command it to reveal its secrets, telling them it was a funny joke product from Zonko's and wasn't it brilliant how it came up with terribly insulting things?

Messer Moony recommends you run a comb through your hair!
Messer Wormtail adds that you ought to iron your clothes now and then as well, you wrinkle-robed prat.
Messer Padfoot thinks you ought to stop being a bloody git and sod off!
Messer Prongs believes you're descended from an ogre, I mean really what IS that smell??

Each time someone tapped it, the magic worked to randomize the insult, and sometimes even personalized it for the reader...

Messer Padfoot would like Frank Longbottom to know that he looks a bit like a crane or a flamingo when he stands on one foot...

"Hey now," Frank said, punching Sirius in the shoulder.

"It was the parchment, not me!" Sirius reminded him, though he laughed because there were times he had thought that of Frank, though he never would've said it outloud. "Blame Zonko!"

Of all the tests they ran - and they ran a great many before they actually set the spell on the Map itself, not wanting to do something to damage their masterpiece - the only one that didn't work entirely on was Lily Evans.

Messer Moony thinks Lily Evans needs to stop being so quick to anger!
Messer Wormtail agrees and would like Lily Evans to know that her sass can be quite off putting at times!
Messer Padfoot think Lily Evans ought to stop butting in everywhere and mind her own business now and then!
Messer Prongs should like to add that Lily Evans smells like a lovely bouquet of roses today and hopes that she's having a lovely one!

It seemed James's magic just didn't have it in it to insult Lily Evans.

Sirius scowled, "No, that's not right, what's it doing that for?" He shook the parchment out and the letters disappeared and he looked at James in disapproval, who shrugged, and shoved the parchment back across the table in the common room at Lily. "Here, give it another go."

"What is this for again?" Lily demanded.

"It's a prank from the joke shop. Just try to make it show you its secrets," Sirius commanded.

The boys watched as she rolled her eyes and raised her wand, "Reveal your secrets."

Messer Moony would appreciate it if Lily Evans would keep her prying eyes out of other people's business.
Messer Wormtail should like to agree and remind Lily Evans that she isn't our mum and therefore needs to stop acting like it!
Messer Padfoot cordially invites Lily Evans to bugger off.
Messer Prongs thinks Lily Evans is quite beautiful and should like to congratulate her on perfectly styling her hair today. It's a 10, Evans. An absolute 10.