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0.24 all that i ever was (emma pov)

" this is a modern fairytale, no happy endings."

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everything was dark

i felt so numb

everyone spoke words to me but i was zone out

the boys were staying with me cause i guess they knew i wouldn't be okay

i spend most of my time listening to sad music and just trying to remember

but my worst fear of all this is that i will move on and forget the man Jake was

cause he was truly a great person

i want to forget that anyone else is around

i want him back

i want him back

all that i am , all that i ever was ....was with him

i dont know where i'll end up

so if i lay here

if i just lay here trying to remember maybe he is still alive

maybe by doing that part of him exist

i can hear constantly the boys planning things to get me out of this place

ugh the sound of them was getting overwhelming

i finally get up and get out of my room

i see their faces look up at mine

"Stop. Stop it. It has only been three days okay i think im allowed to have these moments okay. Do you know how it feels to have someone , your partner for three years of your life literally ripped out of your hands. Do you understand how terrible i felt in that exact moment when they told me he was in a coma? Or how about when his own mother pulled the plug?! Im lost a part of me in that moment. None of you understand how i feel right now. To have your partner, your love, your ride or die , gone within a minute is the worst feeling in the world. Im scared of what im going to become without him. "

i stopped and looked at Luke

his eyes tried to find what exact emotion i was feeling but i wouldn't allow it

i storm out of the living room back into my room

tears kept slipping out i couldn't help it

i become what i cant be

im back to how i felt the night i met Jake

the sound of my phone buzzing brings me to reality

it was Jake's mom

"hello?"

moments passed before i heard her voice

"Emma i know it is a hard time right now for all of us but i wanted to tell you that the funeral is tomorrow at 10 am and i wanted to ask if you could give a speech in honor of him?"

i didn't know what to say

i can't do that

yet i want to talk about how great he was

"of course i'll be there and i will do the speech."

i hold it together for another 10 minutes as we talk but as soon as our conversation is over i stop and stare at my walls

the walls are covered in many photos of Jake and I

"this is a modern fairytale, no happy endings." i whispered