Ambivalence [p.h.] - EDITING

chapter 24 || training room

I don't even know what I'm going to do.

I wasn't intending on telling him.  Not yet, at least.  The reason why I was able to get through that simulation in the first place was because I assured myself he wouldn't hear me.  This isn't sheer terror though, not like a lot of the other ones.  This is more a nervous-fear, like lighter butterflies annoying me and making me wait until they go away.  "Guhhhhhhh," I groan, very, very audibly, while sitting on my bunk with my face in my hands.

"What's wrong?" I look up to see Christina standing next to my bunk.

"Oh, the worst thing happened to me today," I groan again.  I rub my eyes before throwing my hands down next to me.  "In my simulation, I sort of, um, accidentally, er... confessed my feelings for Peter?  He heard and should be back any time now.  I don't know what to do–"

"Woah," Christina interrupts.  "Okay first of all, I get you.  Back in Candor, everyone has to be honest about their feelings, meaning it's encouraged to straight up tell someone 'I like you.'  That also means if you don't reciprocate their feelings, you're supposed to shoot them down and be completely honest.  At least it's not like that here."  I smile and nod.  "Secondly, you really don't have anything to worry about.  I don't know why or how you could like Peter... but I mean, if you see good in him, go for it girl.  Good luck."  

"Thanks Christina," I say as she turns around to leave.  "I needed that."  She smiles back before leaving the dorm.  I look at the clock.  He'll be back any time.  It's already 5:00, and I have to meet Eric in the training room at 6.  Now that the simulations are over, all I really want to do is fall asleep.  Eric said that I wouldn't be meeting with him if I didn't make it, so I don't have to worry about whether I'm in or not.  I'm just anxious to see my rank.  I need to get into the top 5, or else I'm stuck on fence duty.

But of course, things aren't going to go my way.  Not about the ranks, but I panic nervously as soon as I see him walk through the door.  What do I do?!  Think, think.  Do I face it head on, or do I put it off?!  AH!  I don't know!!!  

Fight, flight, or freeze.  What do I do?  Of course, I fly away from the situation.  I get up and pretend I didn't see him like the awkward sixteen-year-old I am, and rush to the bathroom.  

"Jax, wait!"  I fake that I don't hear him and gather my things to take a shower.  He wouldn't confront me about it there.  Aha.  I'm soooo smart.

I take about fifteen minutes to shower and waste another twenty getting dressed, fixing my hair, you know; doing all those things most girls spend twenty minutes on.  I walk out of the bathroom at 5:40 and internally groan when I find Peter still sitting there on his bunk.

"Uh– um–," I stutter.  "Hey... Peter?"  I give myself an imaginary smack in the head.  Really, Jax?  'Hey... Peter?' Get a grip!

"Hey," Peter says back.  "You took a while."

"Did I?"  I glance at my wrist, only to realize I'm not wearing a watch.  Of course.  "Oh.  Well, it is initiation day.  You can't blame me."

"Alright," Peter laughs at my antics.  "Speaking of initiation, how was your landscape?"  Uh oh.

"Um, alright I guess.  I didn't do nearly as bad as I thought I would."

"Exactly.  See?  I told you.  There's nothing to be worried about."

He pauses.  Uh oh.  He's going to bring it up.  "So... how many fears did you have?" I ask.

"Eight.  Just like you."  He was counting my fears.  "I did have a couple of really bad ones in there but I guess I managed to do okay.  You did really well."