Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 90

Harry

It's doesn't matter how deeply you are asleep. You start dreaming that you're falling and all of a sudden the sensation becomes painfully real. You're barreling towards the ground and no matter how terrified you are and want to wake up you only wake up when you are only inches off the ground.

Your eyes open wide, our shoulders inches off the bed, and you continue to breath heavily, finally realizing that it was all just a dream.

Yeah, not the most pleasant way to wake up.

The reassurance I get feeling Em in my arms isn't there like it is every morning. Like I expected her to be. Like she was when we fell asleep last night.

Instead I turn over and find Emma nestled on the very edge of the bed, her sheltered body quivering right there tittering on the edge.

I don't even need to ask. She had a nightmare last night. Somehow she was able to wake up from it without letting me know. No screams, no heavy breathing. Em isn't making one single sound.

She's hiding from me.

I don't need to see her face to know she's awake. Her uneven breaths and unsettled movements are clues enough to know that she's already here with me.

I'm not sure what time of day it is but noting the dimming light outside it must be sometime after noon. We haven't done much else than lay in bed, watch the occasional movie, and sleep. She hasn't wanted to do much else and I'm fine with that.

There needs to be a way to help her through this that I'm not seeing. However the only solution I see is Em telling me what's going on in that beautiful mind of hers. Her finally letting it all go, relinquishing the fear and finally freeing herself from all the memories and the pain that's she's desperately holding on to.

Her fear isn't with me walking away any more, I know that. It's in the experiences themselves and only she can fight her way through to the end.

I lay on my side and watch her shudder along the edge of the bed, wanting so desperately to reach out and touch her but I'm frozen in my spot.

What the hell is she thinking? Is she reliving what happened? Cataloging every movement, every assault until that's all she lets herself think about. I wish I knew what happened so I could wipe it all away.

What really happened can't be be as bad as what's in my head can it? Because what I'm thinking... God I wish I could stop this thought from manifesting in my head but it is too late.

How can she need me as much as she says she does when she refuses to let me in?

It's infuriating really. I can help her with it all but she would rather let the situation get this bad rather than letting me help her through it.

I know it's not as simple as all that. Nothing ever is. But watching her like this, in so much self inflicted pain, pain that she can so easily get rid of, makes me rethink everything.

Fuck I sound like a prick.

Before I can think anymore on the subject I move over to her. I slowly squeeze my arm under her waist and pull her into my chest.

Em stills instantly, slacks into my body, and breathes a sigh of relief. At least I hope it's relief.

"Good morning Em."

"Morning" her voice just as quiet and weak as it was last night.

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Of course I did."

"Okay" I respond unconvinced. "I was just checking."

She turns in my arms and I'm met with that beautiful smile I love. Only this one doesn't fill up her face and spill into of her eyes.