The Tutor | 2016 ✓

16

That feeling of just waiting, and waiting, and waiting. You know? The one that slowly kills you from the inside out. The one that stays in the back of your mind forever. The one that creates anxiety attacks when it decides to just appear randomly in your life.

I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting. And it's begun to kill me. It'll be the death of me, I know it, and the people aren't even worth my time but I do it anyways. I wait for everyone but they don't care. They don't even acknowledge me. I bet it never crosses their mind of how many times they've crossed mine.

It's an evil thing, really.

Waiting.

The suspense keeps you glued in your chair, marking you painfully wait. Time slows down a bit just for you. And all you can do it wait. The thoughts in your head swarm like bees around and around in circles until you can't take it anymore.

Until you don't even know what to do with yourself.

You begin to become depressed and always in your feels. You sleep a long time and become extremely jumpy. Like, every single sudden sound scares you like it was a Jack-in-the-box.

That's what people do to you. They seem to enjoy it. It must be fun to mess with other people's feelings.

Is that funny to you?

Ha-ha-ha.

Hy-fucking-sterical.

I'm -not- laughing my butt off.

I've been waiting for you and you won't come home. I want to see you, give you a hug. I want to sit at that kitchen table again with all of you even if you don't pay attention to me. I just miss you.

And there's that codependency again.

~

"I really need to go home, Aries." I tried to convince him but he wouldn't let me.

"Please tell me what's the matter." He says, his arms crossed across his chest standing in front of his front door.

"I already did-"'

"'Everything' isn't the matter."

"And what if it is?"

"I've got all day. That's more you gotta tell me about." He smirks.

I mentally prepare myself for a breakdown. It's not him, it's all me. I'm a mess and he doesn't deserve someone in his life like me, whether it's friends or more than that. And I can't let it get to that point.

I'm a time bomb bound to explode and my timer is running low on time.

"I-I can't- I just can't tell you- yet." I whimper.

Aries looks at me, confused and jumbled up in millions of emotions. He looks concerned mixed with confusion with a little bit of sadness and defeat because I won't tell him what's wrong. He sees my pain, he knows what's up. And I have the power go bring such a strong boy- No. Man.- down. I have that power to take his power away. To see the power that he once had laced into his eyes along with care and concern not even a minute ago is one of the most painful things I've ever had to watch and, trust me, my life has been a rocky road to travel by.

"You can always tell me anything." He stares into my eyes, speaking ever so softly. His eyes physically grab hold of my gaze and I can't look away. "Always."

"I know, Aries, I know." My eyes locked into his causes me to tremble a bit. "But it- its not that easy."

"How?"

"It's actually extremely hard. For me and for you."

"I'm sure as hell I can take it."

"I know you can bu-but I just... I just can't."

I get up out of his dining table chair and head for the doors. Tears, I can feel then begin to bombard my eyes. The salty water begins to make my eyes glossy and smooth. Although crying has always been a symbol of weakness, the tears running against my eye feels soothing.

My mother always told me how sadness was a sign of weakness. Especially for girls. Is women, she believed, in any occasion could be just as strong or stronger than men. And crying was basically your strong, stable wall pouring out of you willingly. Like you were giving up your strength because you chose to.

You can help the tears you shed but why would and should I ever listen to one bit of information that ever left her damned mouth? She's never here for me to impress her of me and listening to her words. It's not like she's ever listened to me, either.

I sure as hell don't want to put effort into someone who couldn't care less about putting one ounce of effort into me. Her child. Their child. Their sister. Their blood. Probably the only heart this family has. The only person who's ever cared about them, never them self.

And that's why I must break it to Aries. I must tell him that we can't be this close. We have to stay distant even though we're neighbors. Even though this is a friendship I don't want to loose.

The way he makes me feel is a feeling I've never felt. It confuses me whether it's a feeling I should like or stay away from completely. Although, something is smacking me across the face and telling me not to keep hella distance between us.

Something's telling me to get closer than we even were before.

Would that be a mistake?

It doesn't feel like a mistake to me.

It feels more like a mend.

Like this relationship will sew my life together again.

No, no, no, stop. This seems like some Disney Princess crap from the movies. Fairy tails don't come true, that's a fact proven with my life.

Those princesses are cartoons, they aren't real. Those stories were once dreams, dreams don't come true, especially mine. That's why those princesses are only stories. That's why they are only movies. Because they can't come true, they are fake.

"Ry, I'm sorry... I just can't right now-"
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-BlackMidnights