minnow // sirius black

prologue

November 2nd, 1981

"It's about James and Lily," Remus whispered, tightly holding something to his chest. He paused and held out his hand. The small red snake that I had given Harry for his birthday unfurled in his palm. I furrowed my eyebrows, preparing to ask why he had that, but Remus interrupted, "He found them, Minnow..."

"No, that's impossible - I thought..." My hands started shaking as I took the snake, holding it to my chest. It seemed rational to believe he wasn't the mole. He was... to put it lightly, a coward. He clung to us for years, it was logical that he'd have some sense of loyalty. That's why we made him the secret keeper. "He would never give them up."

"I thought that too, but... He knew where they were. Sirius had to have told. It happened Halloween night-" I turned away, walking back into the living-room. I had every reason to believe that James and Lily were safe, I had sent Sirius to warn them that Peter was the mole. I had sent him on Halloween. I had every reason to believe that he had gotten there in time.

I heard Remus choke on his words.

But I was unable to comprehend the obvious. I was unwilling to even believe that it was possible, let alone have happened.

"How are are they? Is Harry okay?" I set the snake down on the couch and picked up my coat. I started to move towards their room, to take them with me.

"Where are you going?" Remus stepped into the house, closing the door behind him. I looked back at him, his eyes were watery and his mouth was set in a deep, sad frown.

"To see them, James has to be upset."

Remus shook his head, he moved in front of me, taking hold of my arms. His bottom lip quivered, this tiny little motion sent a shock wave of pain through me - starting in my chest and radiating outwards in waves.

Part of me knew, before Remus told me. Halloween night, I had this gut wrenching feeling. Even before I told Sirius, I felt completely dead inside. It was like a part of me was gone, and I had tried to ignore it.

But with each passing moment, over the course of those two days, I felt sicker and sicker. I felt like I was going to die.

I hadn't been prepared for the pain that came with actually knowing. I wasn't prepared for the crushing pain that came with being told.

"There's no one to go to, Jemina, Lily and James are gone. Voldemort killed both of them."

The realization - despite sitting in the back of my subconscious for days - came crashing over me. A tidal wave of shock and soul crushing pain slammed into me.

I collapsed, my heart falling to the floor faster than me. Remus tried to catch me, but was unable to before I hit the floor. I hit the hard word with a loud thud, but I didn't feel it. I could not feel anything other than the hopelessly endless agony. I could not breathe.

My eyes were wide, but no tears fell from them. I barely noticed as he wrapped his arms around my torso and lifted me off of the floor. He sat on the couch, holding my to his chest, my legs draped over his thighs.

I noticed every little movement that happened around me, but it seemed to go so hyper fast, yet so painfully slow. Everything seemed so large, yet so unbelievably small.

Remus held me as I stared into my kitchen, my mind replaying images of my brother and his wife laughing as I tried to teach one of them how to cook.

James was an awful cook, but Lily was no better.

"Peter-"

"Sirius killed him, Jem, he killed them all..." I could hear the anger in his voice, and I didn't care to correct him. My heart hurt too badly. Peter deserved to die, but Sirius was going to take the blame for it all, I knew he would. Panic overtook my entire body as the thought of all of them dead...

"Harry-" I repeated as I struggled in Remus' arms.

"Dumbledore took him to Petunia's... We're not allowed see him, Minnow."

I numbly nodded, trying not to scream.

The pain of my parents' death rushed over me in waves. It piggybacked on the pain of James and Lily. After the initial shock and lows of their death was gone, I rode on the anger for months before I just... pushed it away.

I had bigger things to worry about.

The magnitude of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks, and I whimpered. My hand shot to my mouth to muffle the screaming sobs that I could no longer hold back. I shoved my face into Remus' neck, trying not to wake them. I clutched my mouth and my stomach.

I couldn't imagine raising them without him. Our children, fatherless because of a decision I made and pushed. Because of a mistake that I made. I trusted Peter; and James and Lily trusted me. Sirius trusted me, and I got them killed.

Now, Sirius would take the blame because nobody would believe he was innocent. He'd spend the rest of his life in Azkaban...

My family. Gone. Within one single night my entire family was suddenly in shambles. Of the seven people I cared for, including my children, half of them were gone.

Lily, my best friend and sister. The person who calmed me down enough to not run out on my wedding day. The first person I told about my daughters.

James, my twin brother... and the light of my life. The reason I joined this fight to begin with; to defend his choice to love her.

Harry, my nephew and the most joyful child I'd ever met. The most beautiful and funny baby.

Sirius... my soulmate...

The pain was unbearable.