Breathless • Malec

xii. Alec

I walked home, trying to hide the tears falling onto my coat. I had held it together until I walked out of the apartment building.

Taking a deep breath, I wipe away the last tear. I mean, who was I trying to fool? No matter how much I wanted it, Magnus and I would never work out. We were from two different worlds.

With my head down and hands in my pocket, I trudged the remaining block home. It was already 8, and I figured Jace would be gone and it wasn't like Simon was ever there anyways, so I would have the entire dorm to myself and sit in my sadness.

I walked through the doors, kicking off bits of leftover snow as I walked to the staircase, making my way up to the dorm.

I sighed, pulled the key out of my back pocket and unlocked the door.

As soon as I stepped inside, I was overwhelmed with the smell of roses.
The lights weren't on, but there were candles flickering everywhere. I heard soft jazz music coming from the kitchen, Confused, I followed it. In hindsight, I really wish I hadn't.

"Oh my God," I said as I saw what was going on. I turned away, covering my eyes as I heard Clary let out a muffled scream.

"Alec!" Jace exclaimed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him hand Clary a shirt and she quickly put it on, hopping off the counter as Jace buckled his pants back up.

"I, uh, didn't know you'd be home," Jace explained as he rubbed Clary's back.

"I didn't think you would be home either," I said, extremely embarassed and possibly scarred from what I had just witnessed.

"Jace, I'm gonna go," Clary said, walking towards the door.

"Babe," he whined, grabbing her hand. "C'mon, we can go do something else."

She frowned. "I think I'd rather just go back to my dorm."

Jace sighed, but nodded. "Okay, Clary," he said. "Just text me, alright?"

She gave him a small smile. "Bye, Jace."

He waved to her as she walked out, blowing a kiss in her direction. I heard her laugh at his attempt at flirting as she opened the door.
She popped her head in, looking around the corner into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, Alec," she told me.

I shrugged. "Whatever," I responded coldly. After tonight, I was sure this was the last thing I needed.

Jace walked up to me, clapping a hand on my shoulder. "Sorry you had to see that, Alec," he laughed.

"Man," he said, still standing next to me with his hand on his shoulder. "I think I'm in love with her." He smiled, looking down and shaking his head. "Like, really in love with her."

Something inside me snapped. Maybe it was the exhaustion of keeping secrets, maybe it was the fight with Magnus, or maybe it was a combination of everything.

"You don't get it, do you, Jace?" I said, whipping around, facing him directly. His hand fell off my shoulder. I knew there was no going back from this, but I felt like I was being fueled by flames.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, cocking his eyebrow.

I let out a crazy, half broken laugh. "I didn't think you were this blind, Jace," I spoke while staring daggers at him.

"Alec?" Jace said worriedly. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay!" I shouted and Jace stepped back. "I haven't been okay since I met you."

"Huh?" Jace asked, trying to see through me, trying to figure out what was wrong. "Did I do something, Alec?"

"Yes, you did something," I said, my voice shaking.

He didn't say anything, just waited patiently for an answer.

"I'm in love with you, you fucking idiot."

"What?" Jace sputtered. "What do you mean you're in love with me?"

I crossed my arms. "I'm gay, Jace."

"Okay," Jace said. "I knew that." He stopped for a second, thinking. "But you're in love with me?"

I rolled my eyes, becoming more angry by the second. "Yeah," I said coldly.

"Alec," Jace said, frowning. "I'm sorry, but Clary-"

I turned away from him, walking towards the door. "Alec!" Jace said, grabbing my arm. I grabbed my coat.

"Look, Jace," I said, venom biting into every word. "I don't need your pity. You're probably the straightest person I know. I don't know, I guess I just had this weird fantasy-"

Jace's frowned deepened and he looked away. "I'm so sorry, Alec-"

"Jace." He stopped, looking at me this time. "You ruined me," I said, my voice flat. I was thankful it didn't betray me. Inside, I felt like everything was crashing down.

"Alec-" Jace began, but I was already out the door. My hands were shaking and I felt like at any moment I would just collapse.

With no destination in mind, I just started walking. As I made my way outside, the cold air had some effect at calming me down. I took a deep, strangled breath of air and shoved my hands in my pocket.

I had never expected that I would tell Jace how I really felt, nor had I ever imagined being with someone like Magnus. My life was truly spiraling into a place I had never dreamed of.

At the corner of the block there was a small park, directly between my dorm and Magnus's apartment.

I decided that there wasn't really anything worse that could happen tonight, so I walked into the park. The streetlights cast a soft glow on the stone paths circling large plots of flowers.

I saw a park bench just across from the entrance. I sat down, looking up at the night sky.

After a few minutes of contemplation, I heard someone walk through the entrance. I couldn't see very well, so I pulled out my phone and pretended to be texting someone.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them stop and they seemed to look at me. As they stepped forward a bit more, I saw spiky black hair sticking out of their hat.

"Alec?" The voice said, taking another step forward.

"Magnus?"