Look, it's complicated !

The blame game

The next morning

(Zosia)

I lay next to Ollie, I can't touch him. I can't help but think that this was all his fault. I know that I shouldn't be playing the blame game but if he had ran after me or never booked any tickets then this wouldn't of started in the first place. I told him when he first said that he loved me that I don't like big changes and I am hard to deal with so the big change of having a sister should of at least been able to sink in before going half way around the world to see her. I don't think he understands my condition as well as I thought he did. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't understand me. I have to leave him, I didn't enjoy being with him anyway. I have to keep on telling myself that as if I don't i will probably sob into his arms again and everything will be forgotten. We had our fair share of good times but the amount of bad times we have had over balances everything. I can remember the first day he told me that he loved me, my heart filled with a tingling sensation. My head is telling me that I should stay but my heart is telling me that if I want the best for him, then I need to take the big weight off of his shoulders and leave him so that he can get on with his life as normal. A tear filled up my eyes as my cheek became wet from my tears. I didn't realise that last night would be the last night that I laid next to him in bed or the last night he told me that he loved me. My heart feels broken in two, mainly because everyone I have ever loved said that the hardest thing was changing their life back to normal when their world being turned upside down by me was the best thing that ever happened to them. Ollie just wouldn't take it in; but he has to. It is the best way to be a good friend. Only hours ago I was happily loved by a man that I could call mine but now I am back at the beginning calling Ollie just a friend, probably working the most longest hours just so I don't have to face the fact that no one would be there when I get home. Microwave meals for one would now fill up my fridge and the empty and lonely days will now fill my heart. I am surprised that it is me that is leaving, I usually cling on to someone so much that I push them away but I don't want to hurt a man that has actually done me some good. Back to my old flat then, I wish I could persuade my heart to listen to my head but I just can't, I know that it is the right thing to do. I'm sorry Ollie, I really am I whisper to him before shutting the bedroom door for the last time.