A Brief Characterisation Of Mental Illness

~Mia~

The water is ice cold, running down my back like blades piercing skin. I'm coughing, choking on a toothbrush. I hold my stomach as it lurches forward, I hold the wall for support as the world spins. I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel the food fall out from my mouth. It hurts, it hurts so bad but I can't stop. I'm still heavy, oh so heavy. Why couldn't I just learn from my mistakes? I pray to a God I don't believe in as my heart flutters a beat. I push down further, squeeze tighter, open wider. All I can think about is the numbers on the scale, going up and up and up. So high until the scale itself gives out and breaks into a million pieces, shattered on silver tiles. I flush the evil out from within but if only I was strong, strong enough to not have let it in. I should have spit it out, I should have, I could have. These thoughts repeat over and over and over, driving me to the brink of insanity.

Once I taste the vile distinct taste of bile, I allow myself to drink to my heart's content. I step out, bare feet meeting soft fleece. I would have jumped on the scale but my closest friend smashed it, on purpose obviously. Once she figured out what I'd been doing, she never forgave me. I wrap myself in a white towel, it doesn't wrap tight enough to keep me warm, it doesn't even fit around my waist twice. I feel another aftershock approaching so I hold my thinning hair back and pitter-patter to the toilet. The smell is pungent and repulsive but it's necessary. I keep my eyes closed until I'm done where I look to my thighs. This is the only time I allow myself to view my disgusting body. A small gap emerges from the tip of my thighs where they used to meet. I stretch up, flush the toilet twice, wash the coco-pops from my hair and clean my nose. It's an awful process to go through, but the voice won't let me stop. She's always there in the back of my mind. Feeding me numbers and throwing up food. It's her, not me I swear! 'No matter, nobody will believe you.' She whispers.

My tongue hurts and I can feel the blisters from within my mouth. A taste bud's become irritated again and my teeth are stained yellow and red. I can feel the dizziness taking over so into bed I hop. Another glass of water and some vitamins for Desert. My head hurts and my breath's laboured but sleep still takes its time in claiming me.