to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

september 25

will;

honestly, i have forgotten that you exist. i found you in the bottom of my bag this morning, and it reminded me to write something on you.

as of right now, i'm highly considering going to therapy. talking with someone about what goes on inside my head doesn't seem as far fetched as it seemed a year ago. i want to do it voluntarily, willingly.

my mental health is just a mess. i don't know if i should trust my mind anymore. everything is dark in there. nothing is happy anymore. the world is a dull grey. all the thoughts are dark and lead to an endless spiral of overthinking and depersonalization.

i used to feel happy. i used to like being surrounded by people. i used to feel safe. i used to feel good... but that's all far gone.

i want to talk about this with someone. no no, i need to. it's eating me alive. but i don't trust anyone. what if they laugh at me? they could say i'm making it up. and i would apologize and apologize over and over and over..

i'd cry all the time.

it's not like i don't do that enough already.

hopefully it goes away. i really want it to go away. i need it to go away. i wanna feel happy again. i wanna feel something that isn't eternal sadness. i wanna feel. i wanna feel something again.

i'm not being stupid, am i?

no.

well, maybe.

after all, i'm talking about this with a diary. with you. it's not like you are gonna talk to me. this is stupid and useless. why am i still writing? forget it. i shouldn't have written anything else.

bye. for good.

t.r.j.

„"„

josh rereads the entry over and over again. he is worried for the person who wrote this. they seem in too much pain.

he hasn't experienced any mental health issues himself, but his old childhood friend suffered from depression. he absolutely hated seeing him in such pain.

he closes the journal and just stares at his bedroom's ceiling. he still has those glow in the dark stars there. he put them on with said friend and since then, those starts have been up there on the light blue painted bedroom.

"holy christ,"he whispers to himself.

now he feels bad for laughing yesterday. this person desperately needs help. and he just thought that they were crazy.

he flips through the whole journal. he hopes to find the person's name and not just the initials. or at least find a familiar name, address or phone number. something. anything.

sadly, josh doesn't seem to recognize anything. all apparent names are crossed out or are in asterisks. he groans, pissed off at the person. "you really didn't want people to know who you are, huh t.r.j.?"he asks at the nothingness.

"i'll try to figure you out."

{🌹💌🌹}

unedited

i'll make a playlist for this fic eventually

idk what the plot is or how long it'll be

so yeah

alaska,
out x.