beyond the monotonous city

seventeen

She wakes up and it's almost noon and she's alone on the bed.

She starts to panic but then realizes Camila must have left already and didn't want to wake her up probably. The weird thing was she woke up and she felt much better than before, though she still felt hazy.

Clara asked her how she is as she came down for breakfast.

Her mom cooked her some sausages and eggs and Lauren hated herself for chuckling a bit at the sight, even at a time like that. She didn't even know she had it in her to laugh at a time like that.

"Camila left three hours ago, she said she didn't want to wake you up." Clara said, as she sat opposite her.

"It's fine, she did say she won't try to tire me out for sleeping over." Lauren said.

"Do you feel better? I talked to Dr. Matthews earlier and scheduled an appointment at noon." Lauren was silent as she really didn't feel like going back to the hospital. "It won't be too bad." Clara said, as she noticed Lauren's reaction.

"No it's fine I just don't like the hospital in general. John is fine." she said.

She watched a little TV before following Clara into their car. She rode the backseat as she was more comfortable there, she felt sort of emotionally unstable, and her mom didn't mind.

"Bye dear, call me back alright so I can pick you up before I go to work!" She waved goodbye as Lauren found herself back at the white washed building she dreaded a lot. Some of the nurses recognized her as she walked past and she gave a forced smile.

She arrived at John's office, which was empty apart from him eating from a cup of jello. He was reading from a newspaper and he stood up from his seat when Lauren peeked her head inside the room.

"Oh sorry, John."

He folded his newspaper and made his way to the stool and motioned for Lauren to sit on the couch opposite her. "You arrived earlier than expected, have a seat Lauren."

She did sit as John looked to his clipboard, flipping the pages. "Your mom told me you started taking Zoloft again the past few days, and that you missed school. But you were doing pretty well before. Would you like to tell me what may have caused this?"

"If I tell you then I'll have to tell you about what's going on in my life. Like with the feelings and all." Lauren said. John seemed to catch on.

"I would love to hear what you've been up to, if it can help me understand." He said putting his clipboard aside and putting his hands on his knees instead.

Lauren's mind went to light speed, trying to think of how she could relay everything. "Um where to start-so I made this friend this year and she also happened to be my neighbor. Her name is Camila. She came in my life at an important point. We've become good friends and she's always so nice and understanding to me, even if I feel like she deserves more than a friend like me, who can't always be there for her. But eventually I started to notice the little things like how she smiled and how I felt when she held my hand. I was scared to admit that I liked her because I wasn't so sure myself. I don't even know how my feelings work out just yet, she's too good for me and I don't think I've truly gotten over Alex. I told my friend I what I felt for Camila, but she told me that it probably wasn't for the best. That's when I felt defeated again all of a sudden." When she finished, she looked up at John who had a very empathetic expression on his face.

John leaned forward, lessening the space between them. "I see, Lauren I'm not just gonna speak to you as your doctor but as a married man. If you're really sure you have feelings for this Camila, don't be scared to act upon them. It may seem easy but I know for you it could be daunting, having to get over both your old feelings and dealing with mental health issues. My advice is to just take it one step at a time. You may not fully get over them and it doesn't happen overnight either, but you will know it in you when the time is right."

Lauren nodded, taking it all in. John smiled at her, "I remember what it's like to fall in love, or just be so happy with the feeling of love. It's really amazing and scary sometimes. If Camila is the person to help bring you out of the dark then that's great, just don't expect too much from her, there's only so much she could do. At the end of the day it's still you. You who gets to decide if you want to live this life." Lauren pondered at his words.

"Now let's get a bit more light, and focus on what you've done so far. Counting all the little things helps in tracking progress better." He got his clipboard and pen, ready to jot down.

"Uh I made new friends, I do well in school, I started opening up a bit to people, I started to sing again in front of a crowd even if my practice session didn't work out so well." She just smiled remembering, as John took down what she said. "I started painting again, something I haven't done in forever. I sometimes ride in shotgun."

John smiled as he finished writing down. "See, those are such small steps but I'm really proud of you Lauren. You may not realize it but you've come a long way already. When you're going where you want to go, sometimes it's good once in awhile to look back."

"I get flashbacks, when I tried to sing again, I remembered something I once did with him. I'm just scared of those even if I try to you know, live my life." she recounted what had happened.

He nodded. "The wounds haven't completely healed yet. I think it was because of the lack of closure from the accident. And because of your survivor's guilt. You suffer from post traumatic stress from the accident, so it's understandable. I know the easiest thing is to suppress what happened and just live in denial. But Lauren just remember that eventually you'll have to cross the bridge. I know you want to keep him in your memory and not let go. That means remembering, which you struggle with emotionally. It's gonna be hard but the memories don't necessarily are bad are they? Sometimes, it's not bad to remember."

She shook her head, remembering the times she had her flashback. "But it's overwhelming so much, it's been so long and I don't think I've completely over what happened."

"Only time can heal wounds Lauren. Don't be too hard on yourself, but don't let that stop you from having fun and living your life. I'm happy you took my advice with living a little. A teenager like you deserves."

Lauren felt overwhelmed with her thoughts after her talk but she kind of liked that she did. He was able to help her sort out her priorities. For her, it was about herself first and then maybe some other things like Camila. She had to battle her own demons first.

Her mom picked her up soon enough. "How was it?"

"Very insightful," she said as she turned up the radio suddenly. It was playing a Michael Jackson song. She was reminded of their hiking trip.

"Wow 80's much." Her mom commented, smiling.

"Yeah, I thank Camila." she said, without realizing she was smiling.

The whole day she spent her time in her room, doing another painting. She let her hands do the work as they moved on the canvas. She realized she was painting what the ceiling of her room looked like when Camila turned on her disco lights. When she was done, she took a step back and smiled at her work. That day brought good memories to her and with another painting, it would be forever remembered.

She vowed to herself that she would really try, small step by small step to be on the road to be better. She didn't want to do it for her mom or anyone, but for herself.

Like with each painting she made, it was a small thing but it was progress.

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A/N: Next chapter will be much longer, I promise! A tiny glimpse of how far Lauren has come and her struggles as well. Comment and let me know your thoughts!

- Sofia