She counted each step she took as she paced back and forth in front of the open window. One, two, four- no, no, no! Again, and it continued while she fidgeted with the palms of her hands, scratching at them to reduce the itchy sensation in them.
Breathe, she repeated when she grew frustrated for losing track of her steps. Alaina stopped to inhale a deep soothing breath, her eyes closed as she did so. She held it for a moment, filling her mind with all the things that could go wrong and then exhaled.
"Better?" A voice sounded from her left. She opened her eyes and turned her head to find Francis standing just by the doors, an amusing smile on his handsome young face and his arms behind his back. He was dressed in his finest of royal blue and gold, the coloring bringing out his eyes more than usual.
"No," Alaina huffed. She collapsed onto the pile of cushioned pillows by her feet and sighed. "I'm a wreck."
"You look it," he said as his lips curved back to reveal his teeth. She rolled her eyes in response, causing him to laugh out loud as he approached her and sat down beside her. "Would you be this nervous if it was me?"
"I don't know," she replied as she placed her hand on his where it rested on her leg. "I don't even understand why I am now. It's Sebastian, I've known him my whole life!"
"And you've given him two children," added Francis.
"Yes, but that was years ago. I was young and naive."
"You were never naive, Alaina."
She looked at him, her expression blank. Sure she was, how else did you explain the three times she gave birth and the fathers being different men? Surely if that was not her being naive, then what was it?
"Perhaps," he leaned in. "You're afraid he will change his mind."
"Francis!" She jumped to her feet and whirled around to look at him. "How could you say that? Not at a time like this!" And her pacing began once again.
Chuckling, Francis climbed to his feet and waited until she was in front of him to grab her and turn her to face him. "I was only joking, he will not leave you."
She frowned. "That is what you say. He's changed his mind before, hasn't he?"
"That was before, we were younger then."
"Young and naive."
He smiled at her, his gaze peering into her's. "We are still rather young," he cupped her chin. "Alaina," Francis took a deep breath as his facial features started to make him look a bit more serious and kingly. "There has never once been a moment where you and my brother have stopped loving each other. Even when you and I..." he tilted his head from one side to another and broke their eye contact.
She placed her hands on his shoulder, a smile forming on her lips. "He did it for you more than he did it for me, you know?"
"Don't say that, Bash would have done anything for you."
She shook her head and stepped back away from his reach. "That is where you are wrong," she told him as she crossed her arms across her chest and moved toward the open window. "He didn't leave France for me, even when I returned many times for visits. He could have even stayed behind in France if it pleased him so, and he knew that. Truthfully? Now that I think about it, he became distant after his death."
Francis' smile was soft as he looked down at whatever was on the ground. "It was hard losing Edward," he said, "I may not know how Bash felt or why he handled everything the way he did, but I do know it is not easy losing a son."
"And I don't?" She placed her hand under her chin and stared at a tree just out the window. "I don't know what it's like to lose my sons? I can't say losing Sebastian didn't change me and that I didn't push away Elizabeth or Edward because it did... I did. But I never pushed away Sebastian or you, I just-" she cut herself off and sighed.
"Wasn't it easier for you with Edward?"
"No," she turned around to face him, her hand dropping to her side. "If anything, it was worse. I will and can never forgive myself for being such a horrible mother. Not once, not even one single moment, did I come to France to visit him."
Francis looked up at her, his own eyes mirroring the sadness in hers. He watched as she quickly swiped at her cheek to wipe away the tear that had fallen. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This was supposed to be her moment of happiness, yet here they stood discussing their children. Children that no longer lived.
"You will have plenty more," he finally said as he walked toward her and pulled her into his arms. She was shaking as she tried to hold back the sob he knew she so desperately wanted to let out. He could feel as she gripped tightly onto his coat that she was struggling to keep it together. "You should never keep it in," he whispered as he lowered his lips to her ear and held her tighter.
Alaina finally let it go. Her tears streaming down her cheeks as she pressed her face into his shoulder and clung to him for support that was much needed.
When had she last let go like this? When was the last time she even as much shed a single tear? She didn't once cry when she received the letter from her mother informing her of Edward's passing. Being a Queen had occupied her mind. Perhaps that is what she had wanted. She didn't want to feel this pain, the pain she felt at this very moment. She didn't want to truly think it was her fault for neglecting her children, she didn't want to think about it at all. But ever since her return to French court, it was slowly surfacing. The pain of knowing she'd never get a chance to see those sky blue eyes peering up at her with his head full of blond curls, never hearing him call her mother, never getting to witness as he annoyed his older sister. And then there was the other one, her first. She had cried for him, but it was not long before she had to put him far from her mind.
And then there was that other thing, the thing that never once left her, the one thing everyone, but not everyone knew. She had siblings, a brother not much younger than her, a sister just a year younger than Jane, and another brother that had been no older than three. It was those three that forever haunted her. Forever ate at her and plagued her very dreams. She wept, not only for her sons but then too.
"What's happened?" Mary entered the chambers to find Francis on the floor with Alaina sobbing in his arms.
"Years of being a monarch," he replied as he rubbed her back and rested his chin on the top of her head.
For a moment, Mary stared, shocked to see Alaina even shedding a tear, much less crying hysterically. And then, pushing it aside, she dropped to her knees beside them and pulled Alaina from Francis. If anyone understood her troubles, it was Mary. To be a king, it was one thing, but to be a female monarch in a world dominated by men, it was a brutal challenge.
"What made her break?" She couldn't deny, she was the least curious as to what made the empress snap.
"We were talking about Edward and Sebastian."
"Bash? What has Bash done?"
Francis shook his head, his sad blue eyes on Alaina, "Sebastian was their first child, the one they lost before Elizabeth."
"Oh," realization crossed her face. "Oh, Alaina, I'm so sorry. It's alright, it will be alright," she said as she petted her head and rocked her back and forth.
