Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 99

Lightening - Little Mix

Mercy - Shawn Mendes

(^I know I don't normally add songs but these just felt in keeping with the chapter. It's probably just my brain in all honesty but there you go.)

Harry's POV

Have you ever felt like time have just stopped. That you are suspended in space without being able to move or even twitch in any direction.

It all seems like a blur to me. An awful, stomach churning, nerve wracking blur of a memory and I only just left Liam's an hour ago.

I haven't felt like I can breathe since I left. Everything is heavy but broken.

Why did I let it get so bad? If I love her why did I say all those things? Did I really let my temper overtake everything else and ruin the best thing that I had in this world?

Even now, as I lay staring at the ceiling, I can't believe I said any of those things. All of those things. It seems so impossible and yet the constant pain in my chest is painful proof that it happened. That every word, every jab is real, lingering in the air I breath.

It's her face that I can't get out of my head. How hurt she looked before her eyes went dark and her whole demeanor changed to me. She closed herself off for good.

I don't even blame her. I'd do the same thing.

There really is no going back from what happened, I don't see how we can. I know how Emma is, she needed to take things in her own time and until recently I was doing pretty well, I was happy to wait for her but I let my impatience get the better of me. I acted like a fucking child and now... well now I don't have my best friend anymore let alone the love of my life.

I feel empty. Like an integral part of me as suddenly disappeared.

She has my heart, my whole heart. I don't know how I can live without her but I've acted like a right arsehole. Well worse... far worse than that.

If anyone has a bloody time machine hand it over. That's about the only way things can get better.

It's over, really over. Emma was always worried that I would look at her differently and yet she won't look at me the same ever again.

I finally know how it feels. That's what she feared, me looking at her differently. It's a fraction of what Em fears, I'm guessing, but I've caught a glimpse of it.

It's horrible, fucking horrible.

I never wanted to give her a reason to look at me like she did earlier at Liam's. But I did and furthermore I gave her a reason to push me away.

The heaviness on my shoulders is like nothing I have ever felt before. I want to die. Well not as much as I want to go back and not walk away from her the day nan died.

That was the moment I started to fuck up everything.

If I had just stayed with her that day. Keep her close, let her hold me and not get so bloody sensitive with her rejection. She was protecting me, protecting us by not letting me fuck her, and I stomped around like a petulant child and went to the completely wrong person.

I lift the bottle up to my lips but to my dismay it's empty. Swiftly I swing my legs over the side of my bed and knock over the other empty bottles I've gone through tonight and head to the kitchen.

There's no more beer in the fridge either. Fucking perfect.

I'll go out, it's not too late. It'll be fine.