Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 100

Breathe Again — Sara Bareilles 

Emma

I'm a pissing moron.

Who in their right mind would let something so stupid happen with the person they love? Me, Emma–fucking–idiot–pissing–moron–Parker.

Sure, Harry is a right twat earlier. A stupid bloody idiot who doesn't have the sense his mother gave him at times, but he's still Harry. We are close friends at our core. We need to get that back. So that's what I'm going to do.

We have a lot to work on, mountains of stuff to work on, but he's not a malicious person, he wouldn't intentionally hurt a fucking fly.

But he hurt you!

He did, fuck he did, but at his core he's still the goofy little boy I met in preschool. If only I can go back to those times. Those carefree times when things between us were only about getting to his house, eating freshly baked cookies, and watching afternoon cartoons.

But they aren't. We're so far from that it's silly to even bring it up.

I've never been so nervous in my entire life. My breath is short but determined. My heart steady but weary. The raging butterflies in my gut exploding over and over as I near my destination.

Yesterday I had it all planned, a nice bottle of wine, an established outline of how I'm gonna tell him, everything, and I'd just let it all go. It would be clear and precise and by the end of all the raw emotion and unpleasantness Harry would know every detail of what happened, everything he's been begging me to tell him.

It would be hard but I would have done it. Everything would be out in the open, not lingering as the fuel of every argument and every quiet moment. It would be out there and we would be on the road to alright.

Then I was going to tell him that I love him.

I was going to utter those three words that he's longed for and deserves and that are mightily true. I'm in love with Harry and after baring myself raw to him I was going to tell him just that.

Given recent developments in our relationship, particularly the mutual termination of it back at Liam's flat (still can't believe Harry and I got that bad with a bloody audience), I'm going to have tweak the plan a bit.

It would have been perfect, manageable, but I went and screwed it all up by yelling at him. I was so cruel to him for no real reason. Of course, I had every right to be angry with him, don't get me wrong I'm still pissed out of my mind. Harry had the audacity to accuse me of having sex with Liam. I'm a screwed up person in a lot of ways but I'd never do that no matter how angry I may get.

But I had no right to hurt him the way I did. Throw his insecurities in his face and shamelessly mock the fact that he loves me and use it as his weakness.

He's not weak or pathetic but I knew those words would hurt him. I shouldn't have said them but I was so blindly angry with him to know any better.

And it's not like I wasn't provoked.

Harry not only ruined his birthday (even if it wasn't intentional) but he called me a slut, told me he expected me to whore myself out to the whole town, admitted to snooping on my private conversations and talking to my mother behind my back like I'm some unruly five year old.

That is what hurts the worst. His betrayal, his lack of trust. I know I'm a tough nut to crack and our trust issues are so obvious it's nearing the point of embarrassing, but at the very least i thought he trusted me as a friend. All he needed was a little faith that I'd open up eventually. Is that really too much to ask for from the person you're in a relationship with?