MerDer: Make Your Heart Feel

It's Gonna Take Time.

Meredith's POV:

The tears are pouring from my eyes like they are two jade colored faucets and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to turn them off. Knowing that I let someone else's hands roam my body is sickening enough, but now that Derek knows I can't help but feel absolutely devastated. I feel so disgusting, like used goods, and I can't help but worry that he will see me that way too.

To my surprise, he reaches for me pulling me into his lap and holding me tightly. I instinctually burry my face into his neck as he strokes my wet hair trying to get me to calm down. Feeling his body so close to mine and the gentleness of his touch almost makes it worse because all it does is remind me of all that I was missing when I was with Finn.

"Meredith, it's okay" he whispers as he continues to stroke my hair soothingly.

"N-no it isn't" I manage to choke out.

"Oh, come on, the sex couldn't have been that bad" he teases, trying anything within his power to cheer me up.

"He wasn't you" I say quietly pulling back to look into Derek's blue eyes, "You are the only person I ever want to be with"

He swallows harshly unable to speak, so I keep talking needing him to understand what I am saying, "I never want anyone else's hands on my body, ever. You are who I want, for everything. So please let me find a way to make it up to you, let me find a way to fix us."

"I want to fix us, I really do, but it is going to take time" He says.

"I will do whatever it takes Derek" I promise sincerely, "I love you, I know that is hard for you to believe right now after all of the things I put you through, but I love you and I am willing to work for this relationship"

"I want us to be us again, but I need time, I hate saying this, but I don't trust you." He tells me quietly, I try not to let his words break me but they hit me like a punch to the gut.

"Do you still love me?" I ask quietly, unsure if I want to hear his answer.

"Of course, I still love you" he re-assures me, reaching up and cupping my cheek.

"As much as you did before?" I inquire reveling in the feeling of his touch.

"Yes, I don't think I could ever love you less" he says and I hope to god that he means it.

I look into his deep blue eyes and curse myself for being stupid enough to let him go. Even though I felt like I was doing it for his own sake, even if I felt like my reasons were valid, I wish I could go back. I wish I could take back the words I said in a futile attempt to make it easier to leave him. I wish I could go back and take back leaving him in the first place.

But you can't take back words or actions. Once you say things or do things there is no way to take them back, the only thing left to do is deal with the consequences. My only hope is that we can get through it all together.

Derek's POV:

Her tears have finally stopped but you can still see the tracks drying on her face as she gazes into my eyes. I have been trying for so long to act like I don't love her anymore and now that I have admitted aloud that I very much still do all of the feelings seem to rush at me. I am suddenly so consumed by the love I feel for Meredith Grey that I consider just telling her I forgive her. But goodness knows that that doesn't fix the problems that we have so I have to bite my tongue.

Instead I lean in, pressing my lips to hers hoping that with this kiss I can convey all of my unspoken feelings. Her lips feel so warm and soft under mine that when they part slightly I can't help but slide my tongue into her mouth. Her tongue swirls with mine and I have such an intense longing for her, an insatiable need to make her mine in every way.

I pull away, knowing that we can't take it too far, that we are meant to be taking our time with each other, meant to be building a foundation for our relationship. Knowing these things doesn't stop the aching need I feel for her, but it does make it easier for me to refrain from moving things too fast.

"It's late" I whisper pressing a kiss lightly against her lips.

"Is that my cue to leave" she smiles her jade eyes finally opening to meet mine as she tries to move from off my lap.

"No" I smile pulling her back into my lap, "I just think maybe we should get to sleep"

She nods her head smiling at me shyly as I lay her down on the couch. I maneuver our bodies so I am behind her, her body pulled tightly to mine. I grab the blanket from the back of the couch, throwing it over us to keep up warm.

I slide my arm around her and feel as she shudders at my touch. I press a few kisses against her temple as she relaxes her body into mine. I know it seems like I have taken her back too quickly, forgiven her too easily. What she did was horribly stupid, but when I try to look at the situation from her perspective I know she thought she was breaking up with me for a good reason, she thought she was doing the right thing. I would turn back the hands of time if I thought that it would make a difference, but I don't have magic powers so I suppose I am stuck with the situation at hand. My only hope is that with hard work and the love that we still feel for each other we can make this relationship work.