phil is a taught rubber band, thoughts stretched out wide across his mind, resembling a noose that is only getting tighter and tighter. he can feel his brain contracting, squeezing, churning, willing to vomit all the thoughts in the form of words and tears and pure apathy, but phil doesn't do that.
he sits silently, a grin plastered on his chapping lips, and a make shift glimmer in his colourful eyes.
he is losing the soft grip on reality that he had, situations meddling together and creating imaginative scenarios for the worse, and phil can't help but picture everything going wrong. getting married should have been a swarm of butterflies fluttering against his stomach, an anxiety deciphering excitement in the cage of his heart, and nervous words bubbling at the base of his tongue, mouth ready to ramble.
yet here he is, lumps of uncertainty resting under his throat and not going down no matter how much champagne he drinks to try and drown them, his gut twisting and turning with constant paranoia and his heart cracking further and further as he watches dan.
dan has colour rising on his pale skin, soft pinks swirling on the apples of his cheeks and a wide smile stretched across his mouth as he talks to his own family and phil's. his eyes are like a blubbering pot of coffee, so alive, so full of emotion, and his dimples carve gently in the soft skin of his face.
to anyone else watching him, he seems like the happiest man in the room, even fooling phil for a while with his careless façade. phil knows he's breaking inside, the way his shaky fingers are constantly disappearing under his pockets and scratching at his thighs, or the way he is trying not to bite his already bruised lip, or the way he keeps trying to check his reflection in everything possible to make sure he's not looking as broken as he actually is.
phil knows he's hurting dan even when dan says that he isn't.
peej💕: can't wait to see you, i bet you look beautiful x
phil stares at the text message on his screen, licking his lips as a smile threatens to break through his face, and he blushes slightly before letting his fingers type a quick text back.
phil: oh please, you're one to talk with your annoying ability of looking good in everything
peej💕: got it from my daddy ;)
phil: and who is your daddy really ;)
peej💕: kys
phil: you first 😘
peej💕: god can u believe we're getting married i'm actually shitting all over the place
phil: no pls don't be nervous i'm already nervous enough
peej💕: wait no don't be nervous oh my god
peej💕: are you okay?
phil: i am don't worry
peej💕: okay mom is annoying me so i have to go now but
peej💕: i love you okay ?
phil: i love you too, so much
when phil looks back up, nothing much has changed, except the fact that he notices dan looking away from him as soon as their eyes are about to meet, the pink on his cheeks deepening further and creating a bruising blush, one that phil wants to kiss away.
he doesn't understand this sudden lack of self control, the way he's always itching to be closer to dan, to try and hold him, kiss him, touch him ; it's driving him crazy. he can't remember the last time in months where he felt this way, this helpless and irrational, maybe he just can't bear the thought of leaving dan.
he knows that it doesn't have to be this way, they can just pretend to be friends once again like nothing ever happened but he knows if he does that, he will be pushing dan further into this mess. he knows how dan feels about him, it's not easy to miss, especially when the caramel of dan's eyes lights up whenever he looks at phil, or the way his face always has a warm flush.
he knows dan wants to kiss him, to be close to him, to just start over and forget about everything that happened. he knows dan wants to press rewind on their downhill relationship and watch it clamber it's way up back to where they were both happy and settled and oh, so in love.
he knows that his wedding is affecting dan more than it's affecting phil himself, but he's been selfish and inconsiderate and with just two hours to go before he'll be married, he doesn't think there's much he can do.
he loves dan still, but instead of that constantly lit candle of pure adoration and desperation in his heart, lies a burnt mess of misunderstanding and lack of communication. the thought of getting back together with dan is fresh in the back of his mind like he thought of it only yesterday, but the process of it all is tiring and will take too much of a toll on everyone around them, and phil is already exhausted enough.
he sighs out loud, resting his back against the velvety material of the chair, his eyes roaming around the monochrome setting. the set up looks like a metaphor of dan and phil as a whole ; considering dan's obsession with the colour black, and the short spurt of blue that comes along with phil.
there are random patches of pretty flowers in the middle of each table, the aisle which leads to the stage is bordered with carnations and sunflowers and marigolds and daffodils, and phil's eyes are regaining the colour that was previously lost.
he can see the hard work and planning behind each and every object, be it the long stemmed champagne glasses or the vague splattering of green around the place or the way little daisies are peeking their way through the wedding dome. it's so well thought out, like dan has been planning this for years.
when phil glances around once again, he knows that dan has taken care of the littlest of things, nothing unpleasant or annoying or over the board.
he knows that even if dan is not exactly happy with his wedding, he's given his best, just to make phil happy, just to make this the best day he could for phil.
he knows that even though dan's heart would be breaking at the time when he'll be kissing pj to seal their marriage, dan would be the one who would be clapping the loudest and would have the biggest smile on his face.
the only thing he doesn't know, is that this is exactly how dan wanted his wedding to be.
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im making the chapters shorter but its a bonus bc more updates
