The Beast

Chapter 45

Different people invoke different emotions within you. Some can make you feel safe, happy, comfortable while the company of others is irritable, nearly agonizing. But he made me feel things that weren't explainable, things I hadn't deemed possible, emotions far too colourful and striking for my otherwise bland life. Learning to live without that colour was nearly impossible, painful.

The fear of losing a loved one was unpreventable, no matter how much you were reassured they were going to be fine. Something selfish within you made you worry, and a dread filled you if they weren't in perfect visible health.

I felt hollow as if a hole had been carved into my chest, but it ached, I was numb and yet I was in pain. Love was made of ironies, contrasting differences, opposites that attracted so well, not always innocently. Sometimes those attractions were dark, sinful, wrong but that's the way love was. For some it was a strength but for others it was also the greatest weakness. A part of me loathed myself for staying, for sitting compliantly by his side in his peaceful state but he held my heart. It was attached to him, wherever I'd go he could pull me back using the strings he'd tightly drawn through it. There was no better time to leave, it was Xavier that was most persistent the others wouldn't care as much, perhaps Cole would even smile for once.

But it was in his eyes that I saw what I felt, admittedly outside of James and Cole I didn't have much other interaction, but James was happy, completely in love and happily so. His love made him whole while mine was tearing me in two. Cole's eyes displayed the presence of wounds that hadn't been tended to, wounds you couldn't wrap up with gauze. I'd never understood that emotion before, but that too had been apart of the grey storm of Xavier's eyes. The conscience was a great and horrible thing, basis of our morals but it also was the one that argued with our heart. It was selfish, reminding me of his crimes, but not of his love, while my heart sang of his affections all day.

I clenched my hands on the soft material of the sweater I'd worn. The soft grey colour of it only now registering, but there came a time when tears no longer sprung to your eyes, when your eyes ran dry. That was the most horrible stage of misery, being able to not let it out through the means of tears, harsh sobbing. You became achingly empty, and yet so full as if you were bursting with emotion with absolutely no way to let it out. It was so tempting to reach out and touch his soft smooth skin, to feel his heartbeat, allow myself some sense of relief that he was there. But I wasn't deserving of it, I didn't know if I'd be given the right, if I still had it. If Xavier would wish for me to even be near him much less touch him when he woke.

The doctor had told us there were many recounts of patients who were aware of their surroundings when in a coma and others who had no idea. I was nearly positive Xavier could hear, he was always so observant, so perceptive I didn't think a man like that could be unaware, he had the strength to hold on, to listen. Unlike me, I hadn't had that strength, I'd refused to listen. But every night Xavier had tried, never forcing me but never letting me forget he was still there, wanting a chance to explain. I didn't want him to forget somebody was waiting for him too, whether or not he wished for me to be waiting was up to him.

"You might be getting annoyed with my nightly talks, sometimes I feel they're more rambles and I just feel as if, if you were awake you'd look at me with amusement. But you'd never interrupt. You'd just listen quietly, only talking when necessary but your eyes have always said so much." My voice cracked and I paused, trying to clear my throat but the terrible feeling of a limo being at the back of my throat wouldn't go away.

"That might be one of the things I miss most, looking into your eyes and deciphering what it is you don't say. I'll never forget the last time I saw them, that type of devotion, love is seemingly impossible. I never thought anyone would even be interested in me, and yet you look at me as if you're seeing the light for the first time. Well you used to at least, I don't know how you'll feel when you awaken. I can't control that or blame you. Whatever you decide is completely up to you." It broke my heart to think about him waking up and deciding he didn't want me anymore.