Chapter 21 - Thoughts

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I lay there on my bed, unable to think clearly. The only thoughts that come to my mind are negative. My mind keeps telling me to remember how much all of those girls hate me. Every thought reminds me of the messages, one by one, flowing through my mind.

Eventually, my mind starts mixing the messages together, making then sound even worse than they actually were. The words are being rearranged and twisted until the messages say evil, sadistic things. I can't seem to get them to stop.

The pain I feel in my stomach from the thoughts if these messages nearly causes me to throw up, but I can't seem to move. I want to get up and go to the bathroom, but the slightest lift of my head causes incredible nausea and dizziness.

"Stay away from Kian you whore."

"Why don't you just stop breathing and make everyone's life easier!"

"Everyone hates you so why are you even alive?"

A loud sob comes from my mouth and I try to muffle it, but there's no use. Soon, sobs are coming from me even quicker and louder and I can't stop them.

If this has showed me anything, it's showed me how to make the right decision.

Sure, I got hate the first time I was with Kian. It was just of jealous fangirls but it wasn't too bad.

But since Kian and I had broken up, fans didn't want him to be with me again. They think that I am now some villain so when they saw that I was at the O2L house, they believe something is up.

They hate me because they think I'm the bad guy.

Aren't they just trying to protect Kian? I guess that would make sense if they believed that I really hurt Kian. They don't want him going through the same thing again, just like any normal fan would.

Will me and Kian even work together a second time?

Obviously the first time ended with destruction and fire, but maybe that's because of everything else that was going on at the time.

But what if it ended the way it did because me and Kian can't work together. Our differences are just too extreme for the two of us to stay together.

All the fighting and arguing. All of the screaming and crying and hurting. Maybe that was supposed to let it be known to the two of us that our relationship just couldn't work.

The countless hours of us avoiding each other-that's not what a relationship should be like.

Yes, every couple fights, but I highly doubt that every couple ends up saying hateful things towards one another specifically to hurt them.

I love Kian, though. Losing him was what really made me realize that he was the best thing that happened to me. He really was.

Even through all of the pain and tears, I wouldn't trade a second of our relationship for the world. I'd even go as far to say that i'd relive the whole thing.

Would we work if we dated again? Who's to say? We wouldn't be in the same situations as we were last time.

What am I even thinking? Why would Kian want to be with me again? He doesn't love me anymore! He just needs my help and that's the only reason out relationship is being somewhat repaired.

Why would he want to start over again with me when he could start new with someone else? Or even start over with Andrea? He wouldn't want me again.

I'm just hurting myself by trying to think that there could be something between us again.

Plus, there's always that saying, "If you really loved the first, you wouldn't have fallen in love with the second."

I know that he loves Andrea. There's no way that he doesn't by the way he reacted to their break up. So I'm just getting my hopes up for nothing.

What about Skylar? I just told him I loved him.

But, do I really love him? I do care about him. A lot. But love?

I compare my feelings for Skylar to the feelings I had for Kian, and try don't size up. I even compare my feelings for Skylar to the feelings I had for Ryder. Now I realize that the feelings I had for Skylar were more of a sibling or best friend love, but I don't even feel that way for Skylar.

Would I do anything for Skylar? Well that depends what it is. For Kian? Absolutely.

I realize how terrible my thoughts sound, but it's the truth.

I don't love Skylar, nor am I in love with Skylar.

Damn I really am a bitch.

Here I am, wondering if me and Kian could ever have a relationship again while I have a boyfriend who I just told that I loved.

I lay there, my mind overcome by the thoughts that are racing around. The longer I lay there, the longer I have to think about how terrible of a person I really am.

Maybe those messages were right. I do need to stay away from Kian. I am a bitch.

A quiet knock on my door makes me jump, my heart beginning to race like crazy.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and breathe in.

"Yeah?" I say, trying to sound calm but failing miserably. My voice comes out shaky and high-pitched.

"Maddie, can I come in?" A familiar voice says.

A voice that belongs to the one person who always seems to be in my head.

Before I can even reply, the door opens. Kian walks through the door, closing it Behind him before walking over to me.

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Another short quick update!!

I hope you like it!

What do you think Kian is doing there?

1.) Angela called him and told him to come over

2.) He saw the twitter drama

3.) Kian and Maddie are going to kiss

4.) Maddie is going to tell Kian her feelings and he will reject her

5.) Kian is going to tell Maddie his feelings and she will reject him

6.) One will confess their feelings and they will get back together

7.) Where the hell is Emily in all of this????

Don't forget to vote and comment!!

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Love you guys!!

xox -Delilah

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