beyond the monotonous city

twenty seven

TW: hospital scenes

She opened the door and stepped inside.

Her house was dark and she saw immediately why, as her mom was watching one of her Spanish TV dramas while she was on the couch. When Lauren shut the door, her mom paused the TV and turned around.

All it took was one look before her mom saw what was wrong and went up to her. Lauren realized she must have looked that bad. It was also because her mom probably knew her emotions the best.

"Lauren, what happened?" she looked horrified at the sight.

Lauren made her way to the couch, her mom holding her hand as she sat beside her, caressing her hand gently. Lauren didn't know where to start, she couldn't even meet her mom's eyes knowing she'd burst into tears. "Mom, Camila is-she's sick."

Lauren bowed her head low, as if the words coming out of her mouth made it real and she didn't want that.

"But Camila looks so well-" Clara started.

"Well she fooled us all. Apparently she knew since the start of the school year that she was sick. She didn't tell me. And now I find out that she's dying." the last word escaped Lauren's mouth as a sob and Clara pulled her in close, hugging her. She felt her mom in tears as well at her sobs, that made her feel a lot worse. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Lauren was sure if she cried another time, all her bodily fluids would dry up.

Lauren leaned back on her couch, trying to really relax herself as she tried to absorb everything that has happened.

"Is it cancer?" her mom asked after a moment of silence.

"No, she has heart disease. It's just as bad." Lauren said, feeling the emptiness inside her again. It was that hollow feeling again.

"I can see that you've already cried about it. Were you able to talk to her?" she asked, trying to sound more inviting, since Lauren sounded so closed off.

Lauren covered her face in her hands and groaned. "I did but it didn't turn out well. You'd get mad at me if I tell you what I said. I hurt her mom, I said stuff I know will hurt her but I did it anyway. Some sick twisted part of me wanted that, for her to feel my pain. Am I bad for doing that?"

"I'm sure you didn't mean it like that. You wanted her to know how you felt about it. It wasn't like you could control your emotions as well." Clara suggested, though Lauren didn't feel better.

"I said I wish we were just both dead so we could have never met each other." Lauren butted in.

Clara gave her the look, and sighed. Lauren knew this was still a touchy subject to her mom, as she looked like on the verge of tears but she held it in for her. She pursed her lips at trying to form what to say next. "This is more complicated than I thought." she said more to herself. She held Lauren's hands in hers. "Do you honestly wish that Lauren? That Camila never came into your life?"

Lauren shook her head, regretting her harsh words.

"Sometimes the damage is done but you wouldn't want to change anything. Sometimes, it's out of our hands there is little we can do. You and Camia were probably meant to come back into each other's lives, and nothing could prevent that." Clara said in a tone she used to talk to her preschool children when they did something bad.

"I don't know what to do mom," Lauren admitted. "I'm so conflicted now. I'm not mentally capable to really be there for her." For the first time Lauren sees what it must be like for her mom, who probably didn't know what to do with her when she suffered in the confines of her own head. This must be what they felt like as well.