thirteen things i don't have the courage to say to you

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Thirteen Things I Don't Have The Courage To Say To You 

1. Hey, I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I saw you yesterday. Daaamn, you looked good. I hope all the things that you were stressed about go away. How's your work going?

2. I still think about you when that song comes on. Or when I see blue sweatshirts. Or when I smell late nights. Or when I hear love songs. Or when I see those sappy, fucking annoying quotes. Or when I'm going through my phone. Or when I'm alone. Or when I mi-

3. I know your birthday's coming up soon. If my winged words wane before they reach your ears, happy birthday. I wish we could've celebrated it together. I mean not like together we don't do anything together we never did anything together but I just- I wish I could feel your fragile bones under my skin as I counted the layers of cloth that separated us as I whispered my wishing of you into your heart.

4. Sometimes I see your lips on another girl's lips as you radiate and resonate your satisfaction and I see you build homes in her eyes and I see you water flowers in her garden. And then I wake up.

5. It hits me at 3 am that I just had a dream about you falling in love with someone else. That's pretty fucked up.

6. I hope you remember battered ships of you and me; I hope you remember tornadoes of us; I hope you remember I never loved you, not really

7. I lied, 7 is also the number of days I spent thinking about how you said hi to me; it's all you've said to me in the last month

8. I loved you, I loved you like a raging fire that swept through the forest and ignited the trees, I loved you like sleepless nights and breathless hearts, I loved you like board games and basketball, I loved you like your stupid laugh ringing in my ears and your fingers resting on my thigh and your head resting on my back, I loved you like I had nothing to lose

9. I lost you

10. I lost you, I lost the way you said my name , the fights we had over games , I can't find someone else to blame , last night my mother told me I didn't smile the same

11. Is the number of months I have spent loving you.

12. I never planned to get this far. I didn't realise how much I had to say. Sorry. Sorry for this. Sorry for bothering you. Sorry for telling you I loved you. Sorry for that time I made our team lose the game. Sorry for loving you. Sorry for posting that embarrassing picture of you. Sorry for loving you.

13. Hey, I know we haven't spoken in a while but uh, I love you. Think of me when you think of broken dreams, runaway hearts and wet pillows.

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