When Shadows Fall | BTS Kim Namjoon

Chapter 23: Carousel

Quickly dressing, I glanced over at Areum to make sure she was still sleeping and slipped out of the room. Padding out onto the beach, I dug my bare feet into the cold sand. I walked through the pre-dawn gloom to a dock that we'd passed on yesterday's stroll, sitting on the edge of the boards and dangling my feet.

I rolled my head back, trying to work out the tension in my neck. As I thought of the dream that had woken me at this early hour, I closed my eyes.

I'd dreamed that Hajun was still alive; the wide smile and warm hug he'd given me in the dream hurt so much.

I had thought that surely by now I wouldn't be hurting; but I felt like I was stuck on a carousel that only went around and around from the pain of missing him, to anger that he was gone, to fear that the person who had killed him would be coming after me next. My mind never seemed to stop making its rounds of all the stuff I couldn't do anything about.

After a while, I looked up to see that while I'd been spinning around in my problems, the sun had risen. I sighed - I had to go back home today, and everything would only get worse.

"Chunhwa?" I heard from behind me.

Turning, I saw Namjoon walking along the dock. "Hi Namjoon, what brings you out here?"

"Everybody is awake and you were gone, so Areum went left along the beach and I went right. We figured you had to be somewhere close. You know, Chunhwa, if you want to stay safe you should start with making sure somebody knows where you are at all times."

I slouched. "I know. I just... had a lot on my mind."

"Bad dreams?"

I looked away. "No. Good dreams." Sucking in a breath, I looked over at Namjoon. "Why does it still hurt?"

"Hajun?" I nodded, and he looked down at his hands, fiddling with them. "Maybe it will always hurt a little. But I think you need more time."

I squinted my eyes, looking at the horizon. "No, what I need is answers. I need to know who did it." I sighed, vocalizing the idea that had formed over the past hour. "I'm thinking about talking to the police officer I know and seeing if we can set up a trap. If-"

"No."

I looked at Namjoon, frowning. "What?"

"Don't do stupid stuff just because you're mad."

"It's not because I'm mad, it's because I want justice!"

"Stop lying to yourself, Chunhwa. You're still hurting, and you want to lash out at the person who hurt you. That's an understandable impulse, but you cannot go around suggesting risky, stupid moves. You're a college student, Chunhwa, not a detective or a police officer."

"But-"

"Obviously if the police need your cooperation, you give it. But don't go around volunteering to waltz right into the open and be a target."

"What else am I supposed to do?"

"Focus on keeping yourself safe."

I felt the carousel firing back up. "But how am I supposed to do that? I can't move, I can't skip classes, I have to go to work. If anyone wanted to, they could find me."

He sighed. "I don't know, Chunhwa."

"Oh really, Kim Namjoon doesn't know? Aren't you supposed to have all the answers? I assumed so, since you keep sticking your nose into my business."