Dangerous Love

Chapter 32: Ruthless Bastard

Three days. Three days that I haven't spoken or eaten. Some would say it's extreme, but those who say it don't know my mind set. They don't know that there's no point in leaving my room, they don't know that there's no point in eating. I'm just going to die in Amity anyway why not sooner than later, there is no point in this stupid unpremeditated kindness and happiness when they have no reason to be kind or happy.

We just exist here. We give the factions food and that's the only reason we're here, it's not like if I was gone that anything would be put to a stop anyway. All I feel is the numbness in my chest and to much thought at once while no thought at all. I feel like I'm dying but the worst part of it is I know I'm not I'm just suffering I'm just here to live my life out in pain and I pray to God to just take me and end it all.

My parents are hysterical and freaked to the extreme, they give me food and when my mom sees I still haven't eaten she cries. Yesterday I hid the food under my bed to make her think I ate it but of course she eventually found it and balled her eyes out right in front of me. I should feel bad but I don't I don't feel anything at all. My little sister talks to me and I listen, she tells me how her day went and everything that happened to her, probably forced by my mother to snap me out of whatever daze I'm in but it never works.

I don't look at any of them either, or anyone for that matter. Ky and Ally come to visit since they heard the news that I've been acting like, well this. My father on the other hand, he's going ballistic. He blames the Dauntless saying they ruined me and sucked the life out of me. I guess he's right, it is the Dauntless's fault. It's there fault because they let us go back and it's there fault for taking us in the first place and showing us how life can be so much more than, this.

Bailey sits across from me, staring at me then following my gaze to the window.
"You know all the transfers have locked themselves away," she starts, "Hell even Stacey." I feel a small ounce of shock blossom in my chest but is soon destroyed as I realize I'm one of the lock-aways. We sit in silence for a few moments longer before she looks at me with a longing look, "You really loved him didn't you?" The question catches me off guard as I watch a young girl and a young boy chase each other around the fields.

Did I love him? Yes, I did I loved him like I've never loved anyone before. With a passion that I'd never possessed before and I begin to wish I would have told him that. I should've told him I loved him and maybe just maybe he'd say it back. And maybe I'd be next to him right now.

Light footsteps make their way up the stairs and I know it's my mother coming with my dinner, that's when I realize I was so lost in thought that Bailey had gone. Sure enough a moment later my mother walks in with a tray of food, but instead of just food and water on the platter, a bottle rests next to it.
"Here you go sweetie," she rests the tray right next to my bed and then takes a seat at the end of it.

"Autumn," I hate that name, I hate it with a new found passion, "Baby girl please look at me." My eyes stay trained on the window outside.
"Your father and I, we decided to get some help for you. Erudite sent some medication over for you," she says softly as her hand reaches out and strokes my leg in a motherly fashion. Erudite, he was from Erudite. He took me there to, to get me help, to get help for me the same way my family is. He took care of me even when he hated me.

"Autumn, at least take the pills," she whispers and my eyes fall on the bottle. I've put my parents through living hell these past three days, it's the least I could. And I wonder what would happen if I took all the pills at once?
"Is this because of what happened with Nate?" my head snaps towards her and for the first time in three days I make eye contact with my own mother.
"How do you know about that?" my voice comes out surprisingly strong while my mother is left staring at me for about a minute as she realizes I just spoke.